Monday, March 02, 2009

Two Nurses Talking Inappropriately About Current Events*

A: Dude, did you hear about all the injuries that woman had who got attacked by the chimpanzee?

Me: Yeah, dude, that was gnarly. She lost both eyes, her nose, her bottom jaw. Yuck.

A: Her hands too! Both of her hands. It pulled off both of her hands!

Me: Really?

A: Yeah. Have you ever seen the show "
Escape To Chimp Eden"?

Me: No.

A: Well, there is this really hot South African dude who runs this place with all these chimps and he was talking about how vicious chimps can get. He says the first thing they do is go for your nards!

Me: My nards? Ouch. That would be tough, since, you know,
my nards are like on the inside and attached to my fallopian tubes and shit.

A: No shit. So, yeah, like they pin you down with their feet, because they have feet that are like hands, so they can hold your ass down, grab your nards and incapacitate you. THEN they start yanking out your eyes and ripping off your face and shit.

Me: Oh man, that is so gross and evil. Who knew Curious George was such a wicked fucker?

A: I know. Did you hear the tape of the woman making the call? She kept screaming, "He's ripping her face off! Shoot him! Shoot him!"

Me: That was awful. But I just want this on the record, if we are ever together and a wicked fucking
chimpanzee is attacking me and he has pulled my nards out and ripped off part of my face. Go ahead and call the cops, but don't tell them to shoot the chimp, TELL THEM TO SHOOT ME!

A: Yeah, me too. That is some fucked up shit. No nards, no eyes, no nose, no hands. Shoot me too. I am never going to the zoo again.

Please don't think that our conversation means that we are making light of the horrific ordeal the victim and her family is going through. Our hearts and well wishes go out to them. In our defense:

  • Nurses see a lot of sick and horrible stuff. We tend to deal with it by using gallows humor.
  • A has a back injury from work and I have a neck/shoulder injury from work and we were both on some really fun painkillers at the time of our conversation.
  • It was educational; I did not know that chimps went for the nards first!


  1. this brought the lolz. i too will be modifying my advance directive.

    but misha, what's a nard?

  2. They don't have nards in Boston? Nards are testicles. Or in the case of girls, nards would be your ovaries.

  3. The woman who chose to keep the chimp as a "companion" ala, bathing, sleeping, etc. is the criminal-not the chimp. He deserved to be in a sanctuary, living with other chimps, being a chimp-not replacing a human. Shame on you.

  4. Dee, I agree with you. Chimps belong in the wild, not in a home.

    So, like I said, if a chimp is attacking me and has taken my nards and eyes and stuff already, SHOOT ME!

    Then tranquilize the little fellow and take him to a nice animal sanctuary.

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

  5. I had almost this exact conversation today with my coworkers. I just don't think life is worth living without a face or hands.