Friday, October 31, 2008

The Gout

My mother has "The Gout". She has it in both legs and in all places, her thumbs. To prove to me that it was not her flip-flops that caused her tangle in the rose bushes this past Monday, she went gardening barefoot yesterday and ONCE AGAIN fell into the rosebush. She has bruises and scratches all over her back and butt. I sent her home with a bunch of my shirts with stains on them I couldn't get out. She is a miracle worker at getting stains out and I figured if she was busy handing out trick or treat candy and fighting stains, she probably won't fall into the rosebushes for a few days.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Safety First

My phone conversation with my mother on Monday.

Joanie: Hello

Misha: Hi mom, how are you doing?

J: Great (sounding pathetic)

M: You don't sound great. What happened?

J: I fell in the rose bush again.

M: Are you bleeding? (she has a rare and deadly bleeding disorder)

J: No, I don't think so.

M: Why did you fall in the bushes AGAIN?

J: I don't know. The ground is soft and level and..

M: What shoes were you wearing?

J: Flip flops.

M: Mom, you need to wear better shoes when you are gardening.

J: I know. I think I just need to be put in a box to keep me out of trouble.

M: A box? Like a dog crate?

J: No, a big cage. I could dance in it.

M: You want me to put you in a cage to keep you safe?

J: Yeah, I could just dance around.

M: That doesn't sound too safe.

J: Well, nothing will happen to me unless someone tries to get into the cage and dance with me.

M: So let me get this right. You want to become a Go-Go dancer?

J: Yes.

M: For Safety?

J: Yes.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It Creeps Up On Ya

It started slowly. First, I got an email. I didn't think anything of it. I get tons of emails from groups asking me to write to someone or make a pledge about something or send money. I read the email, agreed with the cause and sent a letter to my congressman. I said that they could contact me with other "action alerts" if need be.

Then I got an email asking me to submit questions for the (then) upcoming presidential election. I wrote some questions. Some of them were smarmy and I didn't expect them to be used. Some were thoughtful and I thought they might be used. They weren't.

Then I received a "voter guide". I thought it was nice that they would include me into their group, even though I wasn't "one of their kind". It didn't actually tell me how to vote, it merely wanted me to ask myself (and the candidates) certain questions before I cast my ballot. I had already sent in my ballot, but it was nice of them to remind me how to vote responsibly.

Then yesterday happened. Yesterday they sent me a membership card. I knew it must be a mistake. I am not one of them. I certainly support them, for the most part. But I AM NOT ONE OF THEM! I checked their website and I was correct, I do not qualify to be a member.

Yesterday, I was sent an AARP membership card.

It hurts. It really does.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Canine Vulgarity

Mr. Misha and I were sitting on the couch the other night watching TV. Both of the dogs were on the couch with us; the pug was nestled in Mr. Misha's armpit and the cocker spaniel was stretched out between the two humans. At one point, Mimi decided to stretch out and struck a pose much like this one: Photobucket
Since her head was on my lap, I stroked her ears and told her she was a vulgar little girl. To which Mr. Misha replied, "She's just showing us her petunia."

In nursing school, I was told it was called a vulva....but forever more, it will now be known as 'The Petunia'.