Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Marital Law

Me:  I just want it on the record that I am quite fond of you.

Mr. Misha:  Noted.  I am fond of you too.

Me:  I just wanted that on the record.

Mr. Misha:  I think you've been watching too much Law and Order


Mr. Misha:  Sustained.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Perimenopausal Maturity

So my friend, Mrs. Pirate, was in a meeting.  I knew she was there, so I decided to send her a text to make her laugh inappropriately.  

Me:  I think I may be becoming possessed. 

Me:  I just farted and it smelled like sulfur.

Me:  Like a match striking.  

Me: Not like an egg.  

An hour later…

Mrs. Pirate:  I love that you send these to me when I am in a meeting. 

Me: Was it a fun meeting?

Mrs. Pirate: Asshole.

Me:  You love me. 

Mrs. Pirate:  And you me.  That is why I can call you an asshole. 

Mrs. Pirate:  Actually, not too shabby. 

Me:  Did you sing songs and make crafts? 

Mrs. Pirate:  We sang campfire songs and made God's eyes. 

Me:  Hahahahahaha!  I just peed!

Mrs. Pirate: Oh good.  My work is worthy.  

Me:  Like these?  


Mrs. Pirate: BY THE GREAT RED EYE OF HORUS!  ala Ron Burgundy!  

Me:  Everything ends up being about Ron Burgundy or boobs or vaginas.  

Mrs. Pirate:  Or Ballz.  Or Sacs.  Or Cock.  

Me:  Oh!  How could I forget about the scroat or the cock?  I am falling down on my job.  

Mrs. Pirate:  We are super mature. 

Me:  This kind of humor takes time to develop.  It's very mature. 

Mrs. Pirate:  Aged, really. 

Me: Like a fine fucking wine.  DRINK IN OUR HUMOR BITCHES!  

Mrs. Pirate:  Suck it down. 

Mrs. Pirate:  Ok, dirty.  

Me:  Indeed.  I gave it a full-throated chortle.  Also dirty.  

Mrs. Pirate:  We should get paid for this.  

Me:  We really should. Comedic Super Geniuses!  

Monday, November 19, 2012

Parenting Magazine Should Totally Call me!

Conversation I had the other day:

J: The principal called me today.  The kid refused to change his seat when the bus driver told him.


J: No.  He said "Why do I have to change seats?  Why doesn't (the other kid)?"

Me: Of course he did.  He gave the same asshole answer you would have given.  You are a horrible American.  What kind of asshole America-hating kid are you raising?

J:  I know. You and Mr. Misha should totally get yourselves a kid.

Me:  Yeah, I'll just pick one up. They just have 'em laying around all over the place nowadays.

J:  I'm not going to tell his dad.  He'll overreact.  I'm going to tell the kid, "I'm not telling dad, but if you piss me off…"

Me:  No, you should dress up in rollers, a flannel nightie and slippers.  Then tell him, "If you get in trouble with the bus driver again, I'm going to drive you to school dressed like this.  Then I'm going to walk you to your classroom door, kiss you on the lips and yell I LOVE YOU SON really loud, every day."

J:  You really need a kid.

LATER, via text

J: Do you think I'm enabling my kid if I say to him "Yeah, mommy knows the bus driver is an asshole"?

Me:  No.  But you should add, "But a lot of people in power are assholes and you have to learn how to get along with them".

J:  His last bus driver was great.  She loved the kids, but didn't take any shit from them.  They behaved for her.  This guy hates kids, hates his job.

Me: Also add, "That is why you need to behave in school, so you can get a good job and not end up as a bitter, asshole bus driver".

Me:  I'm probably not the best person to give parenting advice.

J: I am laughing my ass off right now.

Monday, November 05, 2012

People Pleaser

Last night, in preparation of my 12hr shift in Lochialand, I stopped by my local coffee joint to get a fix. The one goofy, and terribly slow, dude was working along with a couple of young girls.  A woman, in her mid-thirties was in front of me in line.  She was having a hard time ordering her Chai Tea Latte.  Goofy boy was making it even more difficult and confusing for her.  She finally ordered, payed and moved to the end of the bar waiting for her beverage.  I quickly placed my order and joined her.  Sitting at the end of the bar, was a lovely, cheerful, 18yr old lady.  She was chatty, pleasant and personable.  The 30-something woman just stared at her, then grabbed her drink and walked away.

"Did I say something to offend her"? asked the girl.

"No. Don't worry about it.  I think that is just her face". I replied.

"I think I did,  She gave me a look".

"No, really.  That is just how her face is."

The 18yr old brushed it off and started chatting and another Barrista came up to me and said, "Do you live in St. Helena'?

"No, but I was at their football game Friday."

"Do you know SAGE?"

"Yes he is my friend's son".

"I knew it was you and Mr. Misha!  I could not believe you were all the way up valley and making so much noise'!

"Well, Sage is kind of worth it".

"He sure is"!

Just then I see the other Barrista making a coffee.  I turn to the chatty 18 year old through  squinted eyes and said, "Is she making your coffee before mine?  I've got to go to work"!

She replied, "NO!  NO!  THAT IS YOURS! I'M SORRY"!

I chuckled and said, "I'm just busting yer balls.  She replies, "Don't do that to me, I'm a people pleaser!"

I said, "You need to stop that.  I'm going to tell you right now something it took me decades to learn.  You cannot please all the people.  Most of the people are assholes.  When you are on you death bed, you will not think, gosh, I wish I would have pleased more people.  Be nice.  Be polite.  Do kind things.  But be nice to yourself.  Don't put your self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth in front of pleasing someone else.  You will never succeed and will be unhappy.  Don't be a dick, but don't be a people pleaser.  Now give me a terrorist fist bump'!  And she did!  And everyone in the shop yelled 'AMEN, SISTER!"

And then I went to work.  

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Embracing the Crone

So  I went to the optometrist yesterday.  My eyes have become old.  I knew it would happen.  It happened to Mr. Misha shortly after we got married and moved in together.  

A few days after we unpacked from our honeymoon, Mr. Misha asked me if we had any lightbulbs.  I went to the closet, pulled one out and gave it to him.  "Do you have any different ones?" he asked.  "No. Why?"  I replied.  "These lightbulbs suck.  I can't see anything" he responded.  I initially got a little worried because I suspected he had diabetes, but he had not yet been to our doctor to get the official diagnosis.  I went to the store and got him a pair of reading glasses and lo and behold! - the lightbulbs didn't suck any longer.  I chuckled to myself and told him he was getting old.  Karma was going to bite me in the ass for that. 

About a year ago, I started having a bit of trouble reading.  I bought some reading glasses and all was well.  Then this past spring, I joined Weight Watchers.  I was required to read a lot of food labels.  HOLY CRAP!  Why do they make the labels so small?  I started wearing my glasses more often.  Then, at work, it started getting more difficult to read the fetal monitor strips. The reading glasses didn't help because the monitor screen was too far away.  I started getting dizzy from trying to read them via my drug store glasses.  So I made an appointment.  I started looking at eyeglass frames.  I started preparing myself that I was probably going to have to wear glasses, if not full time, at least full time when I am at work.  

The eye doctor I went to see is new.  He looks like he is about 17 years old.  The initial exam confirmed that my once perfect vision was failing.  He asked me what I wanted in the way of glasses.  So I told him, "I want to be able to read the chart I have in my hands.  I want to be able to SEE accurately  the fetal heart rate tracing on the monitor in the patient's room.  I want to be able to see if there are zombies coming down the hallway to eat my brains".   This guy didn't miss  a beat.  He smiled and said, "That is going to require trifocals.  Are you ready for trifocals?"  I told him yes and he just shook his head and said, "I have a hard time getting people your age to agree to bifocals.  It is refreshing to have someone who will agree to trifocals without argument".  My response?  

"DOCTOR, I HAVE EMBRACED THE CRONE!  Also, those people who will not wear bifocals? Those are the first ones who are going to be eaten during the Zombie Apocalypse"!  

Friday, September 28, 2012

It's Full Moon Friday!

There is weirdness afoot.  It started off at Weight Watchers this morning, where a senior citizen dropped trow so he could be weighed in all of his SILKY BOXER GLORY! 

Despite not tracking my points and eating poorly, I lost a little bit of weight this week, so I left WW feeling not so bad.  Then my weight Watchers buddy, Stacy and I went to get coffee. Once there, we noticed a couple in Starbucks with us.  

Him- kinda douchey, too much gel in his thinning hair and full of himself, probably late 30's- early 40's. 

Her- HUGE, bulbous, fake boobs, canary yellow lace top and skin tight jeans, both probably straight out of the Frederick's of Hollywood Catalog, probably in her late 40's- early 50's.  

They were glued to one  another, a little too much PDA for morning in the coffee shop. They were making a bit of a spectacle of themselves. Stacy & I were both trying to stifle our giggles at the plastic cougar/douche make out session going on in our little 'bux in the burbs. 

We got our coffee, visited a little and then I went to my car.  Douchey dude is standing behind my car looking at my bumper stickers.  

Him: "I gotta ask, are you a supporter of Obama"? 
Me: "Proudly.  I take it you're not"?  
Him: "No. I was just curious because you have this 'I support perineums' sticker too". 
Me: "That's because I help deliver babies".  
Him: "Oh bless you. You have quite a collection of stickers here". 

I knew what this guy was up to.  I was not having it. I had not even taken a sip of my coffee.  The layers of my caramel macchiato had not even been mixed up yet.  I was not going to let this right-wing-nut-job 'educate' me.  

Me: "There are a few I still have to put on.  I need to apply my 'I stand with Planned Parenthood' sticker, my 'I support Marriage Equality' sticker and my 'I'M A GUN-TOTING LIBERAL DON'T FUCK WITH ME' sticker".  

(I don't really have the last sticker) He looked a little shocked and just mumbled "Have a nice day" and got into his car.  

Based on his drawl, I could tell this dude was a tourist.  I know I am not supposed to fuck with the tourists in town.  Our town's economy depends on them.  But if you are going to stalk my vehicle and then try to start something with me about how you think the president is not a citizen, is a socialist or give me shit about my "Choice" sticker, I am going to make sure you know that I am not going to take any shit from you.  I have a sharp wit, a sharper tongue, a BIG husband, a little gun and a lot of ammo.  DON'T FUCK WITH ME, TEABILLY.  

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Blog For Choice 2012

This year, the question posed for Blog for Choice Day is "What will you do to help elect pro-choice candidates in 2012?"

I'm going to vote.  

I'm going to make sure Mr. Misha, my mom and anyone else I know who is pro-choice votes.  I'll drive them to the polls.  I'll pick up voter registration forms for them.  I'll take them to the post office to mail their absentee ballot.  I'll watch their kids while they go to the polls.  I'll get informed on all the local candidates and make sure everyone I know is aware who the pro-choice candidates are.  

Third:  I'm going to make calls, write letters and use social media to get the word out.  I'll call voters.  I'll call politicians.  I'll call/write/tweet/blog/Facebook  to make sure that Republican party's war on women is stopped and rights taken away will be reinstated.  I will continue to be a voice that shows how reproductive rights are being taken away, how access to reproductive care is being restricted and how it hurts families. 

I think those three things will keep me busy and help elect pro-choice candidates this year.  BUT if I have a little extra cash, which is unlikely, I will give a little to NARAL, Planned Parenthood, Emily's List or other pro-choice causes.  

What are you planning to do?  Do you have any good ideas to share?  Here are some links that will help you find a way to help this year: 

Access to Birth Control Protected

Thank President Obama for ensuring millions of women will have insurance coverage for contraceptives.
The War on Women Infographic
Do you think that it's wrong for politicians to interfere in women's personal, private medical decisions? Check out our infographic and share it with your friends.

Tell Boehner: Zero Anti-Choice Votes in 2012

The U.S. House of Representatives held eight anti-choice votes in 2011- the highest number in a decade! Tell Speaker Boehner to stop the War on Women in 2012.

Tell Senators: Stop the War on Women

Call on your senators to vote against the "Let Women Die" bill.

Stand Up for Planned Parenthood

Help stop the political witch hunt against Planned Parenthood and its patients.

Oppose the D.C. Abortion Ban

Tell your senators that the city of Washington, D.C. should be able to use its own locally raised money to provide abortion care to low-income women.

Protect Women from Pharmacists Who Refuse Birth Control

Help us get a national law in place that would put an end to denials and delays at the pharmacy counter and guarantee women's access to legally prescribed medications.

Help Stop Anti-Choice Fake Clinics from Misleading Women

Anti-choice organizations often use deceptive advertisements to lure women facing an unintended pregnancy to a fake clinic called a “crisis pregnancy center” (CPC), where they promote their anti-abortion, anti-contraceptive agenda.