Monday, March 16, 2009

I Get A Little Mouthy When I Drink.

Back in my 20's, before I went to nursing school, I would go out drinking quite often. I am happy drunk, a very LOUD, but happy drunk. I usually don't puke. I definitely am not a fighter or a crying chick when I drink. I just get a little mouthy.

Jimrie, Luke and I went out drinking. Luke was going to drive and take care of us; Jimrie and I were going to get smashed. That was the plan. So we went to a little dive bar out of town. We knew the bartender; the place had pool tables and great music on the jukebox.

We were playing pool and drinking, having a good time. I can't remember what pool game we were playing, but I was "out" and Jimrie and Luke were playing against each other. I put some money in the jukebox and picked some songs. I then went to the bar, sat down and started to talk with the bartender.

There was this creepy man that kept staring at me. I asked the bartender about him and she said he was always there and was always trying to pick up women. I was hoping this guy would stay away from me. I had a good buzz, there were good tunes playing, I didn't want to be bothered.


The creepy man picked up his drink and moved to my side of the bar and sat a few bar stools away from me. I tried to ignore him. Jimrie and Luke finished their game and came over to hang out. I felt like I had a reprieve. Just then about a dozen, leather clad bikers come in the door. Jimrie jumps up and yells "Uncle so and so, where have you been?" She runs off to see her Uncle. Next thing I know, some old man comes up to Luke and says "Marine, I want to shake your hand." Luke shakes the man's hand and they start to talk about the Marine Corps. Once again, I am alone.

The creepy man moves right next to me and says; "Do you work out?"

I tell him no.

He says, "You look like you work out."

I say, "I used to go to the gym, but I injured my shoulder."

He says, "Was is the weight of you breasts that injured your shoulder?"

I replied "What?"

He said; "Your breasts are so large, I would think that it would put a lot of strain on your shoulders".

What kind of pick up line is that? What the hell? I looked around and there was no one around to save me. I had to go it alone...

I climbed up the barstool and stood up on the bar. I yelled really loud "Excuse me, excuse me."

The bar got quiet. I had everyone's attention.

"This man has just informed me that my boobs are big. I had no idea. All these years of black eyes and fat lips after running, I had no idea. All these years of men looking down when they talked to me, I thought they were admiring my necklace. All these years of shoulder and back pain, I had no idea. I want to thank you, sir. Thank you for pointing this out to me. Everything makes sense now. I want to buy you a drink."

I stepped off the bar, got back on my bar stool and took a swig of my beer. The guy got up and walked out of the bar. I received a round of applause. No one talked about my boobs the rest of the night.