Friday, March 19, 2010

Pump It!

So, It was like 1988 or something and my aunt was getting married.  My mom and I went down to Southern California to help with the pre-wedding prep and of course, attend the wedding.  The pre-wedding stuff went as expected for the most part.  My aunt's friends took her to Chippendale's for her bachelorette party.  She got really drunk and barfed in Denny's.  She then got locked out of the house and woke my Nana (her mother) up by trying to climb the stone fence in her mini skirt at 3am.  For the day of the wedding, I had been assigned to the guest book.  I was pissed, because it is my opinion that you assign the guest book to the relative your mother wants you to have in the wedding, but you can't stand them, so you give them guest book duty. I refused guest book duty. This made my aunt a bit pissed at me.  I knew she had given me that assignment because she didn't like my pink streaks in my hair, my multiple ear piercings, my completely black wardrobe or my combat boots. She found some other annoying relative to do it. By the rehearsal dinner, she wasn't mad at me anymore.

When the day of the wedding finally arrived, everyone was wound up.  As my aunt was stepping into her wedding gown, my mom, queen of the inappropriate comments, said "Gee, you have been eating a lot this week.  I hope you still fit in your dress."  I heard one of the bridesmaids saying, "She says she is still a virgin.  I don't believe her.  I think she is pregnant." The person I was most shocked by was my Nana.  She was really nervous.   I made her a mimosa and she seemed to calm down.

The wedding seemed to be going smooth. Everyone made it down the aisle, the music went off without a hitch, and it seemed fine.  But it was a Catholic wedding so it was long.  While kneeling during part of the ceremony, my aunt fainted. It wasn't that dramatic, she just slumped over on the groom.  The priest had the altar boys get her some water and a chair and the wedding went on.  Unfortunately, Nana thought the fainting spell was HYSTERICAL.  She started giggling.  She kept on giggling.  She was trying to be quiet about it, but it wasn't working.  Her giggling made my mom start to giggle. The two of them were shaking and crying, they were giggling so hard.  I started to worry.  Both of them had a history of getting the giggles and then peeing their pants.  I was really concerned that both of them would pee in their "wedding outfits" and end up at the reception in their housecoats.  While I was worrying about potential urinary incontinence, other people started to notice the two of them cracking up.  An old lady sitting behind me kept hitting me on the shoulder and telling me to get my mother and grandmother to control herself.  Just then, the ring bearer started to turn green.  He went running up the isle and puked in the vestibule of the church.  That was all it took. My mother and my grandmother lost it.  What were quiet giggles turned into loud laughter that echoed through the church.  The wedding stopped while someone went to tend to the ring bearer.  Someone got a mop and bucket and cleaned up the barf.  All the time, my Nana and mom were laughing hysterically.  My aunt shot me a dirty look. Apparently, it was my fault that someone had drugged and liquored up her mother.  I tried to get the two of them to be quiet, but the more I told them to behave the harder they laughed.  They eventually shut up and the wedding went on.

At the reception, things seemed okay.  But Nana kept drinking and she kept getting louder and LOUDER.  At one point she started yelling out requests to the DJ.  Most of them seemed appropriate for a woman of her age.  "Glenn Miller!" she yelled to the DJ.  He played "In the Mood".  "Rock Around The Clock!" she hollered. The DJ played Bill Haley and the Comets.  She was up and dancing with any man, woman or child who would join her.  It was quite entertaining and the DJ was really sweet to my Nana.  I knew it was time to take Nana home when I walked by and heard her say to the DJ; "Play that Pump it song" The DJ had no idea what she was talking about.  She said you know, that 'Oh, baby baby, pump it real good' song!" He looked like he was ready to die.  Here was this 70-something woman, gyrating her hips and yelling, "pump it!" over and over and getting progressively louder.  I figured I would help the guy out.  I went up to him and said; " I think she means Push It by Salt n Pepa". The DJ was shocked that Nana was a hip-hop fan, but he played her song anyway.

Nana danced the whole afternoon and then finally passed out next to the cake table.  I took her home and tucked her in.  The next day we figured out what had happened.  My mom had slipped Nana a Valium that morning and everyone kept filling up her mimosa glass.  We really should have talked to each other before doping up the mother of the bride!

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