Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Do Your Balls Hang Low? Do They Swing To And Fro?

So, it is my first quarter of nursing school. After weeks of didactic, they finally let us into the hospital and near actual patients. We really weren't allowed to do anything "nursey". The first day we were allowed to take the patient's vital signs, make their bed and talk to them that was it.

My bitch of an instructor give me an "F" the first day because the seam on the top sheet faced the wrong way when I made the bed.

The second day, we are allowed to do the same stuff we did the first day AND set the patient up for a bath. We either give them a bed bath or we help them do their own "PTA" bath in the bathroom.

The patient that was assigned to me on my second day was a cute little old man, who could get out of bed and walk on his own. So, I wouldn't be giving a bed bath. Here is how my morning went:

I walked into the room. The little old man is flipping his sheets around and muttering to himself, he looks quite distressed. I say to him "Good Morning, Mr. 'Smith'. My name is Michele and I will be the nursing student taking care of you this morning".

He just snorts and continues to flip his bedding around. "Mr. Smith, is something wrong? Is there something I can help you with?" I ask in my sweet nursing student voice. "I have lost my watch. I can't find my watch. I don't know where it is." replies the little old man.

Now, I don't want to get in trouble with my bitchy instructor AGAIN. So, I have to get this man's vital signs taken, bath started and bed changed before she waddles her bitter ass into the room. I have to think quickly!

I look around and do not see his watch anywhere. I ask him to sit back and describe his watch to me, where he last saw it, etc. whilst I take his vital signs. I get his vitals, he gives me the details, and "it is silver, has one of those stretchy bands and has a black face"

I then tell him that while he is taking his bath, shaving and brushing his teeth, I will change his bed, straighten up his room and find his watch for him. He is so upset about his watch; I know he will not do anything I ask unless I GUARANTEE I will find his watch. While he is considering my proposal, I set up his toiletries, towels, clean hospital gown, etc. in the bathroom for him.

He eventually agrees and gets out of bed. Somehow, in the night, his gown has come untied in the back. So his posterior is in full view as he slowly strolls to the bathroom.

Now, I am in my early 20's when this happened. I was not comfortable with seeing ANY strangers' naked backside. But, I had never seen an old man ass and I had never known (they should have warned us before we came to the hospital) that old man balls HANG. I mean really hang, like almost to their knees! So, my first view was quite shocking and I tried to busy myself with the search for the watch and bed linen changing. But old man ass/ball hanging is kind of like a car accident; you HAVE to look.

Thank goodness I looked because, right there in front of me, as my little bow-legged-saggy-butt-hangy-balled little man walked to bathroom. I FOUND THE WATCH! Hanging from one of the few, but quite long, hairs left on his scrotum is his watch. Swinging back and forth between his little bowlegs! I act quickly! I sneak in behind him and snatch the watch! He never even knew I was there! I quickly threw it into the bed and shouted "Mr. Smith! I found it!"

Just then, my instructor walked in. She asked my patient how I was taking care of him. He was so happy I found his watch; he gave me a rave review. I got an "A" for the day.

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