Saturday, November 18, 2006

A Man's Guide to Nurses

Author: Rick Williams
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk beneath those crisp white uniforms and what young man doesn't have fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself.

SCREEEEEECH. Reality Check!

I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of a century and let me tell you nurses are not what you expect and I don't even care what you expect because you are wrong! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the top.

The Nurse as Sex Kitten:

Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric skin flicks will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You will also learn that nurses always wear white garters and hose and high heels. This of course is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend a lot of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs, shapeless draping hunks of cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second look. Shoes are white clunky nursing shoes or sneakers with blobs of things on them better left un-described. Socks replace white hose and garters and when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation perhaps?

Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem." Get a life Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with you and if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick not to mention, they have seen better. I don't care how good looking you are, they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money or at least someone who didn't smell bad.

The Nurse as an Angel:

If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures, demure and loving... a cross between a nun and their Mom. Well, hate to bust your bubble, guy, but as a group nurses are some of the rawest gals you will run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside, inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart or drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses get a very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black to sick side of the scale.

As I said above, nurses have almost always seen better and that includes personal anatomy. Any male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the Gods when it comes to endowments will be quickly dismayed to learn that his sweet little dear has seen MUCH better!

Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale. If you think your little Willie was king, well you're wrong! In fact I've never met a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.

Also, in case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had in the shop, forget it! Lets say as a typical male klutz you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife or girlfriend who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she slaps a towel on your finger after giving the stub a good eyeballing, takes out a baggy to put the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her friend that her dummy S/O just sawed his finger off. As you stand there for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I better get Fred to the hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and says, "Let's go."

You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is like a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six meds running and 10 minute vitals, then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"

The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:

As a male either dating or married to a nurse you should realize one important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That in itself is no big deal, but the fact is that every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting word to your wife or girlfriend.

This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse S/O will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!

Your Social Life with Nurses:

Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse S/O another nurse couple and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations all over a nice pasta dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflex and this is if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!
After several dinners and gatherings like this you will soon find your circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse. A lone nurse is OK, the trouble starts when you have more than one and when that happens, keep the regular folks away. Also, if you are going to be around a group of nurses in a social gathering, be sure to sit with the non nurses. You might as well because the nurses will be so busy talking among themselves about work that you and any other non nurse will be totally ignored. Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take advantage of your S/O being a nurse by calling at all hours of the day and night for advice. This may include male friends dropping trousers to show your sweetie his rash. Best advice I can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.

The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:

Most nurses have the constitution of a horse, which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that
they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. If you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years! That said though, you don't have all these antibodies so when she comes home with the sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of the flu in your life! Oh and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!


Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really are and I thank God every day for my nurse!

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