Lazy Sunday Meme

I was tagged by several people, using several different versions. So here is my version of "Favorite Artist Decides My Life".
Rules of the game:
- Choose a singer/band/group
- Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group
- Tag 10 more people (let them know they've been tagged) or don't.


I chose The Presidents of the United States of America. They are not necessarily my all-time favorite, but they have fun song titles for this meme.

1. Are you male or female?
Last Girl on Earth

2. Describe yourself.
Lump

3. What do people feel when they're around you?
Naked and Famous

4. How would you describe your previous relationship?
We Are Not Going to Make It

5. Describe your current relationship.
Zero Friction

6. Where would you want to be now?
Volcano

7. How do you feel about love?
Lunatic To Love

8. What's your life like?
Confusion

9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Peaches

10. Say something wise.
Wake Up



I tag: No one

100 Truths (Amy was bored in estate planning & tagged me)

001. Real name → Michele
002. Nickname(s)→ Misha
003. Zodiac sign → Aquarius
004. Male or female → Female
005. Elementary → Many
006. Middle School → Benicia
007. High School → Benicia
008. Hair color → Ginger
009. Long or short → Medium
010. Loud or Quiet → Loud
011. Sweats or Jeans or underwear → Jammies
012. Phone or Camera → iPhone
013. Health freak → No
014. Drink or Smoke? → Not right now
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes, but Mr. Misha encourages me to use restraint.
016. Eat or Drink → Drink
017. Piercings → Yes
018. Tattoos → yes

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane→ Yes.
020. Been in a relationship → Yes.
021. Been in a car accident → Yes.
022. Been in a fist fight → Sorta

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → Ears
024. First best friend → Jennifer
025. First award → Perfect Attendance
026. First crush → Danny
028. First big vacation → Hawaii at 6 months

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to → Isabella the Ho
030. Last person you texted → Liquid Amy
031. Last person you watched a movie with → Mimi and Harley
032. Last food you ate→ Hostess Cupcake
033. Last movie you watched → Love In The Time Of Cholera
034. Last song you listened to → Signed, Sealed, Delivered
035. Last thing you bought → Smokes
036. Last person you hugged → Isabella the Ho


FAVES:
037. Food → Mashed Potatoes, Sushi, Creme Brulee, Chocolate, Sourdough Baguettes,
038. Drinks → Iced Peppermint Non-fat Mocha, Diet Coke, Sunkist Orange Soda, Calistoga Sparkling Water with Lime.
039. Clothing → Yoga Pants, V-neck T-shirt, Hoodie
040. Flower → Tulip
042. Color → Purple
043. Movies → Philadelphia Story, Prelude To A Kiss, What About Bob, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
044. Subjects → like in school? Political Science, Microbiology, Physiology

IN 2008..... I
045. [x] kissed someone
046. [ ] celebrated Halloween
047. [ ] had your heart broken
048. [ ] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone
049. [ ]someone questioned your sexual orientation
050. [ ] came out of the closet
051. [ ] gotten pregnant
052. [ ] had an abortion
053. [X] done something you've regretted
054. [X] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [x] met someone who changed your life
058. [ ] pretended to be sick
059. [ ] left the country
060. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [ ] ran a mile
063. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [x] got into an argument with your friends
065. [ ] Hated someone
066. [ ] stayed single the whole year

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating → Nothing.
068. Drinking → Diet Sprite
069. I'm about to → Move the dogs out of my spot on the bed and try to go to sleep.
070. Listening to → MSNBC
071. Plans for today → Sleep, stretch, tidy up, eat something, try to do some laundry.
072. Waiting for → the other shoe to drop.

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → If it is in the cards, sure.
074. Want to get married? → I am.
075. Careers in mind → Nurse, maybe Nursing Professor or Midwife

WHICH IS BETTER WITH A BOY/GIRL?
076. Lips or eyes → Lips
077. Shorter or taller?→ Taller
078. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
079. Nice stomach or nice arms → Nice Arms
080. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive
081. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts → Sunglasses.
084. Snuck out of your house → Yes.
085. Held a gun/knife for self defense → No.
086. Killed somebody...online → No.
087. Broken some one's heart → Not on purpose.
088. Been arrested → No.
089. Cried when someone died → Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself → Yes.
091. Miracles → Yes.
092. Love at first sight → No.
094. Santa Claus → Yes.
095. Sex on the first date → Meh.
096. Kiss on the first date → Yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? In some ways.
099. Do you believe in God → Not in the traditional sense. 100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people→ That's not a question...

I choose to tag no one. Unless of course, you would like to participate in this time waster. Then by all means, proceed.

I think I need to drink more.

All of really good stories are from:

• My childhood,which is over

• My wild and wanton youth, which is also over

• My Nana, who is dead

• Dating, which I can't do anymore because Mr. Misha frowns upon it

• Baby Birthin', which I can't share here without violating HIPAA

I was thinking if I started drinking more I would have some good boozed-fueled stories I could write about. Maybe some bar brawls, lame pick-up stories or drunken people tricks. I don't have to work next weekend. Maybe I will try out my theory then.

Big Hair Dilemma

A few years back, Mr. Misha and I were invited to a "Dick Van Dyke" themed birthday party. I spent about 3 hours in my hair stylist's chair trying to get my very thick hair into a bouffant hairdo. In order to get that little pouf in the back, she took a big hunk of my hair, ratted it up, shellacked it with hair spray, rolled it into a ball and then flopped the rest of my hair over the top of it. The final result was this:



Not bad, but not as high as I had hoped. My hair is just so heavy and there is just so much of it, I thought I would never be able to get that bump in the back! But the other night I saw this advertisement:

What a great idea! Instead of ratting up, one third of my hair and pasting to my skull, I can buy this doohickey! Now I just need to be invited to another theme party and I will be good to go.

Why We Are Better Talking In The Abstract

When I was little and asked the question that all parents dread, "Where do babies come from?” My mom told me "A boy gives a girl a seed and it grows in her tummy into a baby." That Christmas, I refused to kiss any of my male relatives for fear that one of them would burp a baby seed into my mouth and impregnate me.

A few years later, I saw my dog, Poco, giving the neighbor's dog, Pepper, a 'piggyback ride'. A few months later, Pepper had puppies and my Mom told me it was because of the piggyback ride. So, of course, I refused to give or receive piggyback rides after that.

To avoid another litter of puppies, my mom took Poco to the vet to have him neutered. She explained to me the vet was going to 'cut his balls off' so he won't make babies anymore. She called it 'getting him fixed'. I didn't question her and she didn't offer any more information, end of discussion.

Around that same time, my mom started experiencing 'womanly problems'. She went to see her 'woman doctor' and he told her she needed to have a hysterectomy. About a week before my mom went into the hospital, my mom sat me down and said, "You know Mommy has been having womanly problems, right?" I nodded. "Well, the doctor wants to remove the parts that are giving me problems so I will feel better. But that means I won't have my period anymore and I won't be able to have babies. Do you understand?" I said, "Oh, you are getting fixed liked Poco!"

I think since the first three attempts at talking to me about the birds and the bees had not turned out they way she expected, my mom just gave up. We never talked about sex in anything other than the abstract for the next 30 years.

I Had No Idea What I Was Going To Write About

So I called my mom. She is usually good for a post or two or three. But I think she had a few too many vodka tonics in her and the conversation was slurred and was mostly about her dogs and what she bought on her latest trip to Costco.

As she rambled on and on about Splenda, meatloaf and the Jack Russel's dingleberrys, I checked my email, cruised around Facebook and took pictures of my dogs sleeping on the bed. She figured out I wasn't really paying attention, so she started asking me questions.

Mom: "I have two bags of Splenda do you want one of them?"

Me: "Sure. I'll take one of them."

Mom: "I have a bunch of coupons you might want."

Me: "Like what"

Mom:” I have one for that 'Yours and Mine' stuff."

Me: "What?"

Mom: "You know, the stuff you use if you want to get intimate. You use it-"

Me: "STOP! Just stop talking. We are done. I am not talking to you about this. I am done. Good night Mom."

And I hung up. She had never given me "the talk" when I was younger. I certainly wasn't going to have it with her when I was 40 and married.

SHEESH.

Two Nurses Talking Inappropriately About Current Events*

A: Dude, did you hear about all the injuries that woman had who got attacked by the chimpanzee?

Me: Yeah, dude, that was gnarly. She lost both eyes, her nose, her bottom jaw. Yuck.

A: Her hands too! Both of her hands. It pulled off both of her hands!

Me: Really?

A: Yeah. Have you ever seen the show " Escape To Chimp Eden"?

Me: No.

A: Well, there is this really hot South African dude who runs this place with all these chimps and he was talking about how vicious chimps can get. He says the first thing they do is go for your nards!

Me: My nards? Ouch. That would be tough, since, you know, my nards are like on the inside and attached to my fallopian tubes and shit.

A: No shit. So, yeah, like they pin you down with their feet, because they have feet that are like hands, so they can hold your ass down, grab your nards and incapacitate you. THEN they start yanking out your eyes and ripping off your face and shit.

Me: Oh man, that is so gross and evil. Who knew Curious George was such a wicked fucker?

A: I know. Did you hear the tape of the woman making the call? She kept screaming, "He's ripping her face off! Shoot him! Shoot him!"

Me: That was awful. But I just want this on the record, if we are ever together and a wicked fucking chimpanzee is attacking me and he has pulled my nards out and ripped off part of my face. Go ahead and call the cops, but don't tell them to shoot the chimp, TELL THEM TO SHOOT ME!

A: Yeah, me too. That is some fucked up shit. No nards, no eyes, no nose, no hands. Shoot me too. I am never going to the zoo again.


Please don't think that our conversation means that we are making light of the horrific ordeal the victim and her family is going through. Our hearts and well wishes go out to them. In our defense:

• Nurses see a lot of sick and horrible stuff. We tend to deal with it by using gallows humor.

• A has a back injury from work and I have a neck/shoulder injury from work and we were both on some really fun painkillers at the time of our conversation.

• It was educational; I did not know that chimps went for the nards first!

• Plus, I now have another scenario to add to my Advanced Directive For Healthcare

Ode To Mr. Misha

Why does Mr. Misha rock harder than Bon Jovi you ask?

He makes me laugh so hard that my cheeks and stomach hurt the next day.

The whole " rat in the house" incident.

When he wakes me up for work, he does it with "MY" Starbucks drink in his hand.

He purposely doesn't fart in front of me (he has farted in his sleep, but was completely apologetic/embarrassed about it).

His family is so nice, you don't say fuck in front of them. My family is so screwed up, that you have to say fuck in front of them. He loves that about my family.

He lets me pimp him out for my friends computer problems and never complains.

He didn't stare at my boobs on our first date.
If it is really busy at the hospital and none of the nurses have time to eat, I can call him at anytime in the middle of the night.....and he will go buy food for the WHOLE department.

He went to a sushi restaurant (he hates sushi) and bought food for my patient whose baby just died.

He built me a computer and gave it to me on our second date.

He likes a woman who can burp, LOUD!

He head-butted my Uncle John at our wedding to keep him from fighting with my Cousin Larry and it worked, Uncle John just laughed.

He loves kids and dogs, but is not fond of cats. Which works out great since I am deathly allergic to cats.

He composes and sings the best songs to our dogs, my mom, our friend's children and me, all of the time and on the spur of the moment!

He doted on our 86 year old neighbor, Babe. She had a crush on him and even smacked him on the ass from time to time!

He tolerates my self-diagnosed OCD.

He compliments my cooking.

His "Fanta" dance.

I once had a patient who said she did "an 8 ball a day", I had NO IDEA what that meant. So, I called him......he told me how much that weighed and about how much it would cost.

He has taken really good care of me since I was injured last April.

When he noticed that the pain medication was making it unsafe for me to walk to the kitchen safely, he gave me a tambourine to shake when I wanted something to eat or drink.

Ash And You Shall Receive

I was raised Catholic and I work at a Catholic hospital. I was working one Ash Wednesday and a Priest came by the unit and offered to anoint the staff with ashes. While I am not what you would call an observant Catholic, I decided to play along and got in line behind my co-workers. I waited patiently as each one of the nurses got a small smudge of ashes applied to their forehead, much like our Vice President, Joe Biden received today. When it was my turn, I stepped forward to get my mark and I noticed a little twinkle in the Priest's eye. I didn't get a little smudge. He took the mixture of oil and ash, smeared it from one eyebrow to the other and from my widow's peak to the bridge of my nose! I had a HUGE PLUS SIGN IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FOREHEAD. I didn't realize what he had done as I walked away. Sure, my co-workers were giggling, but we are an immature lot.

It wasn't until I walked back into my patient's room and her whole family started to snicker that I realized something was up. My patient told me to go look in the mirror. I looked. I blushed. I came back out to the patient's bedside. My patient's mother said something in Spanish and smiled. My patient chided her mother and then said to me, "My mother said the Priest, he must have know you needed some extra!"

I won't be getting ashes today.

I Caught The Stupid.

Ever have one of those days where you have to remind yourself that you are not stupid? Where you have to constantly reaffirm in your head, "I am an intelligent person"? The kind of day that no matter how much you (or others) tell you that you are smart and capable, your actions prove you (them) wrong? Saturday was one of those days. I woke up before the alarm. I ate a little breakfast; I fed the pooches, cleared out some emails, played around on Facebook and Twitter and did two loads of laundry. All of this before 8am! Not 8pm, EIGHT AYEM.

Then I decided to get dressed and clean out my car. You see, Mr. Misha has been using my car occasionally, so it has become quite messy/dirty. He can't help it. If you were to strip Mr. Misha naked and stick him in an empty room and lock him up in there for 12 hours, when you came back you would find: crumpled burger wrappers, diet Pepsi® cans filled with cigarette butts (and possibly urine), empty pizza boxes, cigarette ashes, crumbs, dirty laundry (especially funky smelling socks), computer screws, every kind of electrical and computer cable you can think of, taco wrappers, No Carb Rock Star® cans, pumpkin seeds, compact and digital video discs and some pieces of RAM strew across the room. MR. MISHA SWEATS GARBAGE!

So I armed myself with a roll of paper towels, a toothbrush, some toothpicks, a couple of garbage bags, and bottles of Windex®, Armor All® and Febreze®. First I cleared out all of the clutter. Then I cleaned the leather, pleather, vinyl and plastic areas with Armor All®. I estimate that my spouse has spilled at least 5 different drinks since we got the car last year. Then I started with the windows. I cleaned the passenger's side front window just fine, but when I tried to do the driver's side, my boobs kept honking the horn. No matter how close I moved to the window, I could not prevent my hooters from honking the horn.

It was during this big clean out that I realized that I had been driving around without a copy of my registration or proof of insurance in my car. I trudged back into the house in search of the paperwork. I placed them by the door to make sure that I would not forget them when I left the house.

I made some coffee, talked with my friend Jessie and made arrangements to go to her apartment that night. The plan was for me to leave Napa at 2:30pm. At 2:31 pm, I loaded up the car and headed out. I stopped off to get some cash and grab a coffee. For some reason, the ATM would not accept my PIN number. After inputting it 3 times, the machine locked me out. I figured I would call my bank from the road and straighten it out. I went into the store and my card was declined for my purchase. Annoyed, I went out to the car and called my bank. Twenty minutes later, my card was reactivated, my PIN changed and cash and coffee in hand. I started to head out of town.

I had barely made it out the valley when I watched a CHP pull over a car. My stomach dropped. I had left my registration and proof of insurance at the house. CRAP! I turned around and retrieved them. While walking back to the car I noticed that my tags expired in January. FUCK!

That is when I realized I had caught The Stupid.