This week, I started mentoring a nursing student. She is in the last few weeks of nursing school & as part of her training she will spend two months with me birthin' babies. It could be a coincidence, but the minute she started her preceptorship, all Hell has broken loose at the baby birthin' factory. It has been extremely busy. It has been extremely challenging. I can't go into details because of privacy laws, but this has been the most physically and emotionally draining week of baby birthin' I've had in years.
As we sat at the computer, two hours after our shift had ended, catching up on our charting, I looked at her and said, "This is all your doing. Things were nice and mellow here, then you came and the dam broke! Are you trying to kill me or get me to quit so you can have my job when you graduate?" She grinned and replied, "You found me out. You figured out my evil plan." Then she grinned.
I adore her!
Showing posts with label Nurses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nurses. Show all posts
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
That Is No Excuse
A while back, I was a substitute Maternal Newborn Nursing Instructor for a local college. I really enjoyed it and I am thinking about going back to school to get my Masters so I can do it FOR REALS. Here is one of my favorite stories from that time in my life.
It was the night before our ASS CRACK OF DAWN clinical rounds at the hospital. I had just sat down to dinner with Mr. Misha and my phone rang. I picked it up and this is the conversation I had:
Me: Hello?
Student: Hi Misha? It's ______.
Me: Hi. What's up?
Student: Well, I am calling to ask you if I can be excused from clinical tomorrow.
Me: Oh.
Student: I was hiking in the park with my mom on Saturday and I went into cardiac arrest.
Me: What?!
Student: My mom called 911 and did CPR. You know she is a nurse?
Me: I know your mom.
Student: Well, they had to do surgery and insert an automatic defibrillator in me on Saturday and I am not supposed to lift anything over 5 pounds this week and since the babies weigh more than that, I was wondering if it would be okay if I stayed home?
Me: No. I am sorry I would only excuse your absence from clinical if you had not survived the code (cardiac arrest). But since you did, I am afraid you need to come to clinical in the morning.
Student: What?
Me: You have a perfect score in class. You could miss the rest of the quarter and I would still pass you. Take the day off, okay?
Student: Are you sure? I mean, I could come, but I wouldn't be able to hold the babies.
Me: Please, take the day off.
Student: Okay, thanks Misha!
Me: You are welcome. I'll see you next week.
Student: Bye.
Me: Bye.
Kids these days, I swear.
What is the world coming to?
It was the night before our ASS CRACK OF DAWN clinical rounds at the hospital. I had just sat down to dinner with Mr. Misha and my phone rang. I picked it up and this is the conversation I had:
Me: Hello?
Student: Hi Misha? It's ______.
Me: Hi. What's up?
Student: Well, I am calling to ask you if I can be excused from clinical tomorrow.
Me: Oh.
Student: I was hiking in the park with my mom on Saturday and I went into cardiac arrest.
Me: What?!
Student: My mom called 911 and did CPR. You know she is a nurse?
Me: I know your mom.
Student: Well, they had to do surgery and insert an automatic defibrillator in me on Saturday and I am not supposed to lift anything over 5 pounds this week and since the babies weigh more than that, I was wondering if it would be okay if I stayed home?
Me: No. I am sorry I would only excuse your absence from clinical if you had not survived the code (cardiac arrest). But since you did, I am afraid you need to come to clinical in the morning.
Student: What?
Me: You have a perfect score in class. You could miss the rest of the quarter and I would still pass you. Take the day off, okay?
Student: Are you sure? I mean, I could come, but I wouldn't be able to hold the babies.
Me: Please, take the day off.
Student: Okay, thanks Misha!
Me: You are welcome. I'll see you next week.
Student: Bye.
Me: Bye.
Kids these days, I swear.
What is the world coming to?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
In Case Of Emergency
In is my opinion that every person should have a basic knowledge of basic first aid. I would also recommend that everyone take a class at their local Red Cross on how to perform CPR, the Heimlich Maneuver and use an automatic defibrillator. You may never use it, but if one day you find yourself in a situation where one of those skills are needed, you will be glad you spent an evening or an afternoon learning how to do it.
As part of my job, I am required to be certified in Basic Life Support (CPR), plus Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) and Neonatal Resuscitation (NRP). Each of those certifications need to be renewed every two years.
Today was my NRP recert. Here are Nurse Angela and Stacy taking their written exam:
Here is Nurse Susie taking her written exam:
Here is Nurse Laura, our instructor. She is a Neonatal Intensive Care Nurse. She is very funny. After our written test, she will make us "run a code" with a fake baby. Even though we know it is pretend, it can be very nerve-racking.
-Here is our patient, Resusibaby Annie:
Nurse Laura tells us she was born as soon as her mom got to the hospital. She is limp, pale and is not breathing! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???? 
I decide to give the baby some oxygen.
I think I am so smart.
My baby doesn't respond to just the oxygen. So we had to give chest compressions to. Then I decide to intubate the baby so I can get more oxygen to her lungs (which was difficult, since this baby did not have a throat or a windpipe, so I had to pretend)
Then it was Stacy's turn. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, NURSE STACY?
She decided to give Annie oxygen too!
We decided that it would be easier to intubate the baby if we took her face off. It was. 
She lived. We saved the day. The end.
Woo Hoo! I am re-certified until April 2011! Whew.
As part of my job, I am required to be certified in Basic Life Support (CPR), plus Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) and Neonatal Resuscitation (NRP). Each of those certifications need to be renewed every two years.
Today was my NRP recert. Here are Nurse Angela and Stacy taking their written exam:
Here is Nurse Susie taking her written exam:
Here is Nurse Laura, our instructor. She is a Neonatal Intensive Care Nurse. She is very funny. After our written test, she will make us "run a code" with a fake baby. Even though we know it is pretend, it can be very nerve-racking.
-Here is our patient, Resusibaby Annie:
Nurse Laura tells us she was born as soon as her mom got to the hospital. She is limp, pale and is not breathing! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???? 
I decide to give the baby some oxygen.
I think I am so smart.
My baby doesn't respond to just the oxygen. So we had to give chest compressions to. Then I decide to intubate the baby so I can get more oxygen to her lungs (which was difficult, since this baby did not have a throat or a windpipe, so I had to pretend)
Then it was Stacy's turn. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, NURSE STACY?
She decided to give Annie oxygen too!
We decided that it would be easier to intubate the baby if we took her face off. It was. 
She lived. We saved the day. The end.
Woo Hoo! I am re-certified until April 2011! Whew.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Two Nurses Talking Inappropriately About Current Events*
A: Dude, did you hear about all the injuries that woman had who got attacked by the chimpanzee?
Me: Yeah, dude, that was gnarly. She lost both eyes, her nose, her bottom jaw. Yuck.
A: Her hands too! Both of her hands. It pulled off both of her hands!
Me: Really?
A: Yeah. Have you ever seen the show " Escape To Chimp Eden"?
Me: No.
A: Well, there is this really hot South African dude who runs this place with all these chimps and he was talking about how vicious chimps can get. He says the first thing they do is go for your nards!
Me: My nards? Ouch. That would be tough, since, you know, my nards are like on the inside and attached to my fallopian tubes and shit.
A: No shit. So, yeah, like they pin you down with their feet, because they have feet that are like hands, so they can hold your ass down, grab your nards and incapacitate you. THEN they start yanking out your eyes and ripping off your face and shit.
Me: Oh man, that is so gross and evil. Who knew Curious George was such a wicked fucker?
A: I know. Did you hear the tape of the woman making the call? She kept screaming, "He's ripping her face off! Shoot him! Shoot him!"
Me: That was awful. But I just want this on the record, if we are ever together and a wicked fucking chimpanzee is attacking me and he has pulled my nards out and ripped off part of my face. Go ahead and call the cops, but don't tell them to shoot the chimp, TELL THEM TO SHOOT ME!
A: Yeah, me too. That is some fucked up shit. No nards, no eyes, no nose, no hands. Shoot me too. I am never going to the zoo again.
Please don't think that our conversation means that we are making light of the horrific ordeal the victim and her family is going through. Our hearts and well wishes go out to them. In our defense:
Me: Yeah, dude, that was gnarly. She lost both eyes, her nose, her bottom jaw. Yuck.
A: Her hands too! Both of her hands. It pulled off both of her hands!
Me: Really?
A: Yeah. Have you ever seen the show " Escape To Chimp Eden"?
Me: No.
A: Well, there is this really hot South African dude who runs this place with all these chimps and he was talking about how vicious chimps can get. He says the first thing they do is go for your nards!
Me: My nards? Ouch. That would be tough, since, you know, my nards are like on the inside and attached to my fallopian tubes and shit.
A: No shit. So, yeah, like they pin you down with their feet, because they have feet that are like hands, so they can hold your ass down, grab your nards and incapacitate you. THEN they start yanking out your eyes and ripping off your face and shit.
Me: Oh man, that is so gross and evil. Who knew Curious George was such a wicked fucker?
A: I know. Did you hear the tape of the woman making the call? She kept screaming, "He's ripping her face off! Shoot him! Shoot him!"
Me: That was awful. But I just want this on the record, if we are ever together and a wicked fucking chimpanzee is attacking me and he has pulled my nards out and ripped off part of my face. Go ahead and call the cops, but don't tell them to shoot the chimp, TELL THEM TO SHOOT ME!
A: Yeah, me too. That is some fucked up shit. No nards, no eyes, no nose, no hands. Shoot me too. I am never going to the zoo again.
Please don't think that our conversation means that we are making light of the horrific ordeal the victim and her family is going through. Our hearts and well wishes go out to them. In our defense:
- Nurses see a lot of sick and horrible stuff. We tend to deal with it by using gallows humor.
- A has a back injury from work and I have a neck/shoulder injury from work and we were both on some really fun painkillers at the time of our conversation.
- It was educational; I did not know that chimps went for the nards first!
- Plus, I now have another scenario to add to my Advanced Directive For Healthcare
Saturday, November 18, 2006
A Man's Guide to Nurses
Author: Rick Williams
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures lurk beneath those crisp white uniforms and what young man doesn't have fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself.
SCREEEEEECH. Reality Check!
I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of a century and let me tell you nurses are not what you expect and I don't even care what you expect because you are wrong! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the top.
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric skin flicks will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You will also learn that nurses always wear white garters and hose and high heels. This of course is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend a lot of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.
SCREEEEEECH. Reality Check!
I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of a century and let me tell you nurses are not what you expect and I don't even care what you expect because you are wrong! Let's begin by tearing down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the top.
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric skin flicks will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight white uniforms. You will also learn that nurses always wear white garters and hose and high heels. This of course is a handy dress code because movie nurses spend a lot of time hopping in and out of patient's beds.
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs, shapeless draping hunks of cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second look. Shoes are white clunky nursing shoes or sneakers with blobs of things on them better left un-described. Socks replace white hose and garters and when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? Graduation perhaps?
Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem." Get a life Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with you and if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick not to mention, they have seen better. I don't care how good looking you are, they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money or at least someone who didn't smell bad.
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures, demure and loving... a cross between a nun and their Mom. Well, hate to bust your bubble, guy, but as a group nurses are some of the rawest gals you will run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside, inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart or drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses get a very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black to sick side of the scale.
As I said above, nurses have almost always seen better and that includes personal anatomy. Any male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the Gods when it comes to endowments will be quickly dismayed to learn that his sweet little dear has seen MUCH better!
Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale. If you think your little Willie was king, well you're wrong! In fact I've never met a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.
Also, in case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had in the shop, forget it! Lets say as a typical male klutz you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife or girlfriend who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she slaps a towel on your finger after giving the stub a good eyeballing, takes out a baggy to put the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her friend that her dummy S/O just sawed his finger off. As you stand there for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I better get Fred to the hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and says, "Let's go."
You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is like a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six meds running and 10 minute vitals, then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse you should realize one important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That in itself is no big deal, but the fact is that every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting word to your wife or girlfriend.
This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse S/O will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse S/O another nurse couple and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations all over a nice pasta dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflex and this is if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!
Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem." Get a life Bub! If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with you and if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick not to mention, they have seen better. I don't care how good looking you are, they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money or at least someone who didn't smell bad.
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures, demure and loving... a cross between a nun and their Mom. Well, hate to bust your bubble, guy, but as a group nurses are some of the rawest gals you will run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the outside, inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot, break your heart or drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses get a very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black to sick side of the scale.
As I said above, nurses have almost always seen better and that includes personal anatomy. Any male foolish enough to think that he ranks among the Gods when it comes to endowments will be quickly dismayed to learn that his sweet little dear has seen MUCH better!
Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale. If you think your little Willie was king, well you're wrong! In fact I've never met a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.
Also, in case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had in the shop, forget it! Lets say as a typical male klutz you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your nurse wife or girlfriend who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she continues to talk to her friend, she slaps a towel on your finger after giving the stub a good eyeballing, takes out a baggy to put the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to her friend that her dummy S/O just sawed his finger off. As you stand there for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I better get Fred to the hospital." She hangs up the phone, looks at you, sighs and says, "Let's go."
You have just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies, yours is like a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a ventilator, with six meds running and 10 minute vitals, then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse you should realize one important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That in itself is no big deal, but the fact is that every nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting word to your wife or girlfriend.
This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse S/O will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse S/O another nurse couple and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations all over a nice pasta dinner. The nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflex and this is if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!
After several dinners and gatherings like this you will soon find your circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding this is to do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse. A lone nurse is OK, the trouble starts when you have more than one and when that happens, keep the regular folks away. Also, if you are going to be around a group of nurses in a social gathering, be sure to sit with the non nurses. You might as well because the nurses will be so busy talking among themselves about work that you and any other non nurse will be totally ignored. Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take advantage of your S/O being a nurse by calling at all hours of the day and night for advice. This may include male friends dropping trousers to show your sweetie his rash. Best advice I can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.
The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:
Most nurses have the constitution of a horse, which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that
they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. If you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years! That said though, you don't have all these antibodies so when she comes home with the sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of the flu in your life! Oh and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!
Conclusion:
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really are and I thank God every day for my nurse!
The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:
Most nurses have the constitution of a horse, which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that
they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. If you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years! That said though, you don't have all these antibodies so when she comes home with the sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of the flu in your life! Oh and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!
Conclusion:
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they really are and I thank God every day for my nurse!
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