It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You!

This week, I started mentoring a nursing student.  She is in the last few weeks of nursing school & as part of her training she will spend two months with me birthin' babies.  It could be a coincidence, but the minute she started her preceptorship, all Hell has broken loose at the baby birthin' factory.  It has been extremely busy.  It has been extremely challenging.  I can't go into details because of privacy laws, but this has been the most physically and emotionally draining week of baby birthin' I've had in years.




As we sat at the computer, two hours after our shift had ended, catching up on our charting, I looked at her and said, "This is all your doing.  Things were nice and mellow here, then you came and the dam broke!  Are you trying to kill me or get me to quit so you can have my job when you graduate?"  She grinned and replied, "You found me out.  You figured out my evil plan."  Then she grinned.


I adore her!

Springtime College Memories

I went to a Seventh Day Adventist College(I am not SDA). It was located in a little hamlet on top of a hill in the gorgeous Napa Valley. The location of the town made it possible for the college to keep out most of the secular world. Mail was delivered on Sundays instead of Saturday (their sabbath). Caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, meat and condoms were not available for sale up on the hill. One of my instructors was fond of saying "We are only 7 miles away from sin." My response, under my breath, was "Thank God for that!"


Anywho, I always wondered what my SDA postal carrier thought each May 1st when my roommate would get several post cards from friends around the world that simply read:

HOORAY! HOORAY! THE FIRST OF MAY! 

OUTDOOR FUCKING STARTS TODAY!

Happy May Day. Celebrate it however you'd like!

Not the fresh feeling he was hoping for...

When I was in nursing school, I had several jobs; bartender/cocktail waitress, make-up artist for Clinique, I graded term papers for an Economics teacher, Dispatcher for the hamlet I lived in and the college's Department of Public Safety and Certified Nurses Aide, or as I liked to call it "Bedpan Commando".


Being a Bedpan Commando was hard work, but it did help me out during school. Most of the nurses I worked with knew I was in nursing school and they would try and show me/teach me cool and interesting stuff when I was working. What was even cooler is that the weekend Nursing Supervisor, Joyce, was also a Nursing Instructor at PUC. She would find out what quarter you were taking and try to have you work in the area of the hospital that was pertinent to what you were studying at the time. I got to know Joyce while I was working there and she knew I wanted to be an OB nurse, so she would often place me in the family birthing center. I loved that. I got to help with deliveries, hold babies and learn about the field.


Unfortunately, Joyce wasn't always working and the birthing center didn't always need me. So, I would have to work on the Medical/Surgical floors. The place I liked the least was the Transitional Rehab Unit or "TRU". It was full of old folks who were too sick to go home, but not sick enough to be on the regular floors. A lot of the patients there were waiting for a nursing home bed to open up. Most of the patients were incontinent and could not bathe or feed themselves. It was hard work and it was a little sad, to top it off the nurses that worked on that unit were mean. I hated working there.

One day, during my last quarter of nursing school, I was sent to work on TRU. I got report and found out that a first quarter nursing student was taking care of one of my patients. I found her and told her that when she was ready to do his bed bath, she should find me and I would help her out. This particular patient was a BIG guy, 6'7" and about 280 lbs; she was going to need help. I went along and took care of the rest of my patients, getting them water, passing breakfast trays, taking their vital signs, etc.

Finally, the student said she was ready to bathe her patient and change his bed. When a person is bedridden, it is a big operation.

When we had the guy rolled to one side, I noticed that his butt was a little red. I asked the student to get some of the butt cream (like Desitin). I held out my gloved hand and she squirted some for me to put on this guy's ass. I thought it smelled minty, which was not the smell I was expecting. Before I could check and see what she gave me, I noticed our patient had TURNED BLUE! He wasn't breathing and was REALLY, REALLY BLUE. I hit the CODE BLUE button and started to get the oxygen mask off the wall. The nursing student was paralyzed with fear and I just grabbed her and pushed her out of the room so the code team could work.

The code team brought the guy back to life and he was transferred to the Intensive Care Unit.


So later on, I was walking to lunch with the nursing student and her instructor (who had been my instructor too). He asked the student what she thought happened to her patient that made him stop breathing. She gave the correct answer about the progress of the patient's disease, etc. Her instructor looked at me and asked me why I thought the patient "coded". I looked at him and smirked and replied, very seriously; "I think it was because your student gave me toothpaste to put on his butt." The student turned pale, the instructor laughed and I kept on walking to the cafeteria.

That Is No Excuse

A while back, I was a substitute Maternal Newborn Nursing Instructor for a local college. I really enjoyed it and I am thinking about going back to school to  get my Masters so I can do it FOR REALS.  Here is one of my favorite stories from that time in my life.

It was the night before our ASS CRACK OF DAWN clinical rounds at the hospital. I had just sat down to dinner with Mr. Misha and my phone rang.  I picked it up and this is the conversation I had:

Me: Hello?

Student: Hi Misha? It's ______.

Me: Hi. What's up?

Student: Well, I am calling to ask you if I can be excused from clinical tomorrow.

Me: Oh.

Student: I was hiking in the park with my mom on Saturday and I went into cardiac arrest.

Me: What?!

Student: My mom called 911 and did CPR. You know she is a nurse?

Me: I know your mom.

Student: Well, they had to do surgery and insert an automatic defibrillator in me on Saturday and I am not supposed to lift anything over 5 pounds this week and since the babies weigh more than that, I was wondering if it would be okay if I stayed home?

Me: No. I am sorry I would only excuse your absence from clinical if you had not survived the code (cardiac arrest). But since you did, I am afraid you need to come to clinical in the morning.

Student: What?

Me: You have  a perfect score in class. You could miss the rest of the quarter and I would still pass you. Take the day off, okay?

Student: Are you sure? I mean, I could come, but I wouldn't be able to hold the babies.

Me: Please, take the day off.

Student: Okay, thanks Misha!

Me: You are welcome. I'll see you next week.

Student: Bye.

Me: Bye.

Kids these days, I swear. 

What is the world coming to?

All I Wanted Was A Bowl Of Clam Chowder

About a hundred million years ago, one Tuesday in March, I finished nursing school. I wouldn't graduate until June and I wouldn't sit for my boards for at least a month.  My boyfriend at the time, Evil Steve, asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate.  I said that I would love to drive to the coast, go to a little place called Jenner By The Sea and have a bowl of clam chowder.  Since Evil Steve was also known as Cheapo Steve, he was delighted that I said clam chowder instead of steak and lobster. He said that he would pick me up that Saturday and fulfill my request.

(It would be good to note that when HE graduated from college, I took him to southern California for a week; Disneyland, Mexico, LA, the whole deal.)

Friday night, when all Seventh Day Adventist nursing school students should be sitting in church for Vespers, I went down to Calistoga with some of my other sinful classmates to celebrate the end of the quarter.  A whole bunch of beers and several badly sung karaoke songs later, I was poured into bed.  I awoke Saturday morning with a huge headache and a queasy stomach.  I knew it was going to be a long drive, so I forced myself to eat breakfast, downed some Motrin and got ready for my big day.

Evil Steve was late, as usual.  He arrived in a fouler mood than his normal dour self and was in a hurry to leave.  I quickly grabbed my stuff and hopped into the truck.  Evil Steve chose some brain melting, crappy, heavy metal to blast as we drove the winding, mountain roads to the coast. I didn't dare ask him to turn it down, instead the thrashing guitars and screaming vocals pounded along with my beer-induced headache.  It went down hill after that. When I asked to stop for a bathroom break and a drink, he rolled his eyes and sighed. He told me to "hold it" until we got to Booneville. I didn't want to fight, but Booneville was at least 45 minutes away and I didn't think I could "hold it" for that long.  I said I could wait for a drink, but I really needed to pee.  He snorted and swerved off to the shoulder and snapped, "Find a bush." Since this was before I had any self-esteem, I grabbed some Kleenex, said thank you and went off to urinate al fresco.


After stopping in Booneville for a beer, we headed back out and eventually made it to the coast.  As we winded south down Hwy 1, I watched the waves hit the shore and tried to forget what an asshole my boyfriend was.  I had nearly forgotten and all of a sudden, he swerved off to the side of the road and stopped the car.  On the other side of the road, a truck was flipped on it's side and the occupants we on the road bleeding. Evil Steve jumped out of the car and yelled, "DON'T WORRY! MY GIRLFRIEND IS A NURSE!" I shot him a dirty look and got out of the car.  I had only been out of nursing school for 4 days. I had not sat for my boards and I had no idea what to do with these people.

The kids had been wearing their seat belts and just had scratches from the broken glass.  The mom looked like her shoulder was dislocated, but I could get a pulse in her hand, and she had a big laceration on her forehead.  I instructed Evil Steve to wrap her arm against her body with something so it wouldn't move and to apply pressure to the cut to slow/stop the bleeding.  I moved onto the dad.  He had not been wearing his seatbelt, according to the mom.  He had been scalped; his hair was a big flap hanging off his head.  One of his pupils was smaller than the other one and when I felt his pulse, it was very fast and irregular. I was scared shitless.  Another good samaritan handed me some gloves and a first aid kit.  I asked him for some blankets and a bottle of water.  We put the dad's legs up above his head; I rinsed off his scalp with the water and flipped his hair back onto his head. I told him not to move and just watched him until FINALLY, the EMS arrived.  I gave them a little report on Mom and Dad and then went back to the truck.

As we started to drive off, Evil Steve said, "Wow, that was cool."  I shot him a cold look and told him, "If you ever do something like that to me again, I will kick your ass.  I am not even a real nurse yet. I have no 'emergency in the field' training. I don't run up to strangers and announce that you are an asshole, so please don't tell strangers I am a nurse." He didn't speak to me again until we reached the restaurant.

It was the best fucking bowl of clam chowder I have ever had.

Do Your Balls Hang Low? Do They Swing To And Fro?

So, it is my first quarter of nursing school. After weeks of didactic, they finally let us into the hospital and near actual patients. We really weren't allowed to do anything "nursey". The first day we were allowed to take the patient's vital signs, make their bed and talk to them that was it.

My bitch of an instructor give me an "F" the first day because the seam on the top sheet faced the wrong way when I made the bed.

The second day, we are allowed to do the same stuff we did the first day AND set the patient up for a bath. We either give them a bed bath or we help them do their own "PTA" bath in the bathroom.

The patient that was assigned to me on my second day was a cute little old man, who could get out of bed and walk on his own. So, I wouldn't be giving a bed bath. Here is how my morning went:

I walked into the room. The little old man is flipping his sheets around and muttering to himself, he looks quite distressed. I say to him "Good Morning, Mr. 'Smith'. My name is Michele and I will be the nursing student taking care of you this morning".

He just snorts and continues to flip his bedding around. "Mr. Smith, is something wrong? Is there something I can help you with?" I ask in my sweet nursing student voice. "I have lost my watch. I can't find my watch. I don't know where it is." replies the little old man.

Now, I don't want to get in trouble with my bitchy instructor AGAIN. So, I have to get this man's vital signs taken, bath started and bed changed before she waddles her bitter ass into the room. I have to think quickly!

I look around and do not see his watch anywhere. I ask him to sit back and describe his watch to me, where he last saw it, etc. whilst I take his vital signs. I get his vitals, he gives me the details, and "it is silver, has one of those stretchy bands and has a black face"

I then tell him that while he is taking his bath, shaving and brushing his teeth, I will change his bed, straighten up his room and find his watch for him. He is so upset about his watch; I know he will not do anything I ask unless I GUARANTEE I will find his watch. While he is considering my proposal, I set up his toiletries, towels, clean hospital gown, etc. in the bathroom for him.

He eventually agrees and gets out of bed. Somehow, in the night, his gown has come untied in the back. So his posterior is in full view as he slowly strolls to the bathroom.

Now, I am in my early 20's when this happened. I was not comfortable with seeing ANY strangers' naked backside. But, I had never seen an old man ass and I had never known (they should have warned us before we came to the hospital) that old man balls HANG. I mean really hang, like almost to their knees! So, my first view was quite shocking and I tried to busy myself with the search for the watch and bed linen changing. But old man ass/ball hanging is kind of like a car accident; you HAVE to look.

Thank goodness I looked because, right there in front of me, as my little bow-legged-saggy-butt-hangy-balled little man walked to bathroom. I FOUND THE WATCH! Hanging from one of the few, but quite long, hairs left on his scrotum is his watch. Swinging back and forth between his little bowlegs! I act quickly! I sneak in behind him and snatch the watch! He never even knew I was there! I quickly threw it into the bed and shouted "Mr. Smith! I found it!"

Just then, my instructor walked in. She asked my patient how I was taking care of him. He was so happy I found his watch; he gave me a rave review. I got an "A" for the day.