Okay, first of all I lied. I know I said I wasn't going to bitch about the fans anymore, but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
I think Dick Cheney, John Wu, Alberto Gonzalez and all those other sick motherfuckers had it all wrong. Don't water-board people. If you really want to torture someone, do the following; force them to live under these conditions:
- TEN, I counted twice to make sure, TEN fucking fans and 3 damn dehumidifiers going 24 hours a day for 5 out 7 days this past week.
- A Cocker Spaniel that has developed a manic-neurosis of some sort from the constant exposure to the two things she hates most in life-----WET PAWS AND LOUD BLOWING/SUCKING MACHINES. If there was a canine wing of Napa State Hospital, I think she would meet the criteria for admission. She is at least good for a 48-hour hold; she is a danger to herself and others. Is there a doggie DSM-IV?
- A Pug who finds her schedule of burping, farting, licking and napping disrupted so she decides to ESCAPE every 40 minutes ALL DAY LONG.
- A small neighborhood consisting mostly of nasty, nosey, bitchy old ladies who love to nothing but tell you; your dog is out again, she has shit in their flower bed, she is going to get hit by a car, she is supposed to be on a leash, the workers let her out, you need to do something about it, that POD is taking up TWO visitor parking spaces, "Are those workmen bonded? Because you know one of them is, you know...colored?" (That one almost caused me to have an aneurysm), your garbage cans are outside of your fence, how long is this going to take?, why don't you put the dogs in a kennel?, yada yada yada, blah blah blah...
- A sweet, but lecherous neighbor who wants to touch your boobs all the time and is not shy about asking you if he can.
- An extremely fast packing team that boxes up your stuff tapes it and stacks it in the POD before you realize that you needed it. Stuff like: your keys, medicines, Visine-because you have no eyeball juice left and Carmex- because you have chapped lips because the dehumidifiers and the fans have sucked ALL OF THE MOISTURE OUT OF NAPA (except in your home), DOGTOWN-they packed it!, the clothes dryer with clothes in it, the vacuum, the garbage can, your toilet paper, your Tums, and your will to go on.
- Put two 40+-year-old men in a filthy man cave, they instantly turn into 12 year olds. You spend 4 hours listening to a loud conversation between Bevis, Butthead, Stan and Cartman.
After dealing with all of the above, I am ready to confess, TO ANYTHING. Seriously. If confessing means I get a hot meal, clean sheets, a bubble bath, some quiet and a few cocktails- WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO SIGN?
All this bitching. I know, I know. I don't mean to sound so crabby. I am just tired and even though we got so much done today, there is so much left to do. The house needs to finish drying. The rest of the stuff needs to be moved out. Some cleaning needs to be done. Then the flooring needs to be put in. Then baseboards. Possibly new kitchen cupboards and perhaps some painting too. Then move all the stuff back in and unpack and put away all of the stuff.
I don't know what we would have done without such AWESOME landlords, the SPECTACULAR team from ServPro (Ray, Jason, Chris and Rosie- You Guys Rock!), Skater Dave (You are a brave man to tackle the man cave!) and Nephew Joseph (You are the hardest working teenager I have ever met!).
And thank you, dear readers, for letting me vent. Because frankly, I just don't have time for a therapy appointment right now and I don't have the cash for a spa day.
The dudes from ServPro are here in my house right now. As I sit here typing this post, I have two fans and a dehumidifier blowing around in my boudoir. I am blogging from a wind tunnel, literally. I have been awake since 5pm Wednesday evening and I am blogging from a windy bedroom in lieu of sleep.
When the dudes first got here, they went straight to the scene of the crime- Mr. Misha's bathroom. They pulled out some detector dealios and pressed them against the wall to see where the water had pentrated into the walls. They went methodically throughout the house testing each wall. The last place they inspected was Mr. Misha's man cave. I overheard the discussion they had amongst themselves, "All this stuff in here is acting like insulation. It is like a terrarium in here. If this doesn't get cleaned out, we will have mold all the way up into the walls and ceiling."
Ooooooooooh. That didn't bode well for Mr. Misha. He was out helping his cousin with a computer problem and looking for packing boxes. I sent him a text telling him about the man cave. He called me and assured me that he would be coming home to attack the man cave ASAP.
Meanwhile, the dudes started removing the baseboards and drilling holes in the bottom of the walls. Then, they vacuumed. Then they brought in......... FANS!
Which thrilled me because I so enjoyed having fans run constantly from Friday til Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday seemed so empty without their constant drone. Plus, I really missed the added bonus of exacerbating my lovely spring allergies. So now I feel pretty fricken lovely- sleep deprived, sensory overloaded, itchy, sneezy, snotty and dusty. As my friend Emily would say, Awesomesauce!
But then I started talking to Ray, the hawt ServPro dude. He told me that he was coming back tomorrow and he was bringing a bigger crew. Then he rattled off the list of presents he was bringing me:
- A POD to store all of my furniture
- Packing boxes and materials.
- People to pack my stuff into said boxes
- People to move said boxes and my furniture into aforementioned POD
- Dudes to clean up the garbage in the Man Cave
- Dudes to haul away all of the garbage from the Man Cave
- Dudes to haul away all of the moldy carpet and padding
- Dudes to clean the walls, the floors and anything else that needs to be cleaned.
- Chicks and Dudes to do anything we need to do to make the house better.
I won't complain about the fucking fans anymore, I promise.
The following are a series of tweets sent out by me over the weekend, starting Friday morning when I woke up to Mr. Misha hollering, "Oh no! There is water every where!" He then comforted me by saying over and over again, "Don't worry baby, it's not potty water! It's not potty water!"
- Woke up to major plumbing problem. 1" standing water in 2/3 of the house. Great.
- Landlord is here sucking up all of the water.
- Mr. Misha's bathroom is getting a brand new toilet.
- This plumbing drama could not have come on a worse day. Tonight is my first night back working at the baby birthin' factory.
- Shopvac-ing of the water is complete. Now for installation of new toilet. These are the most exciting tweets of the week for me. Sad.
- Landlord Dave is going to go get industrial fans to dry out the house! Time to play "Supermodel Fashion Photoshoot" with the dogs!
- Landlord Dave just announced he is here to blow me.
- Today is my cocker spaniel's version of hell. Two things she hates most in the world: getting her feet wet and the vacuum cleaner.
- Landlord and plumber have left. I think I will have to have the fans blowing all weekend to dry this place out. Glad it's warm out.
- The Pug is petitioning Gov.Schwarzenegger & Prez Obama to declare Dogtown a disaster area. Thurs it was attacked by terrier, today flood.
- I have the TV volume up full blast to hear over the fans. My neighbors are going to love me this weekend.
- I am still splashing when I walk in some parts if the carpet. I am pretty sure industrial fans are a type if torture device.
- I forgot about the linen closet and my bedroom closet yesterday when looking for wet floor. This is never going to end, is it?
- Came home after working all night. Fans not really helping. House starting to smell weird. I think new carpet is inevitable. ARGH.
- I will deal with the water logged house drama later. I am taking some pain meds and going to bed. Happy Sunday Tweeple!
- Damp House Drama, Day 4- It's starting to smell. I hear the fans even if I turn them off. Will formulate plan after the sun comes up.
I am waiting for a more suitable hour to call my landlord. I am pretty sure we are going to have to move all of our stuff out of the house, replace the carpets and the baseboards, and quite possibly paint. I am going to try and take a positve attitude towards this. Use this as an opportunity to clean out some clutter, throw away some junk, super spring cleaning and maybe a furniture rearrangement. GAH!
