Embracing the Crone

So  I went to the optometrist yesterday.  My eyes have become old.  I knew it would happen.  It happened to Mr. Misha shortly after we got married and moved in together.  

A few days after we unpacked from our honeymoon, Mr. Misha asked me if we had any lightbulbs.  I went to the closet, pulled one out and gave it to him.  "Do you have any different ones?" he asked.  "No. Why?"  I replied.  "These lightbulbs suck.  I can't see anything" he responded.  I initially got a little worried because I suspected he had diabetes, but he had not yet been to our doctor to get the official diagnosis.  I went to the store and got him a pair of reading glasses and lo and behold! - the lightbulbs didn't suck any longer.  I chuckled to myself and told him he was getting old.  Karma was going to bite me in the ass for that. 

About a year ago, I started having a bit of trouble reading.  I bought some reading glasses and all was well.  Then this past spring, I joined Weight Watchers.  I was required to read a lot of food labels.  HOLY CRAP!  Why do they make the labels so small?  I started wearing my glasses more often.  Then, at work, it started getting more difficult to read the fetal monitor strips. The reading glasses didn't help because the monitor screen was too far away.  I started getting dizzy from trying to read them via my drug store glasses.  So I made an appointment.  I started looking at eyeglass frames.  I started preparing myself that I was probably going to have to wear glasses, if not full time, at least full time when I am at work.  

The eye doctor I went to see is new.  He looks like he is about 17 years old.  The initial exam confirmed that my once perfect vision was failing.  He asked me what I wanted in the way of glasses.  So I told him, "I want to be able to read the chart I have in my hands.  I want to be able to SEE accurately  the fetal heart rate tracing on the monitor in the patient's room.  I want to be able to see if there are zombies coming down the hallway to eat my brains".   This guy didn't miss  a beat.  He smiled and said, "That is going to require trifocals.  Are you ready for trifocals?"  I told him yes and he just shook his head and said, "I have a hard time getting people your age to agree to bifocals.  It is refreshing to have someone who will agree to trifocals without argument".  My response?  

"DOCTOR, I HAVE EMBRACED THE CRONE!  Also, those people who will not wear bifocals? Those are the first ones who are going to be eaten during the Zombie Apocalypse"!  

It's Full Moon Friday!

There is weirdness afoot.  It started off at Weight Watchers this morning, where a senior citizen dropped trow so he could be weighed in all of his SILKY BOXER GLORY! 

Despite not tracking my points and eating poorly, I lost a little bit of weight this week, so I left WW feeling not so bad.  Then my weight Watchers buddy, Stacy and I went to get coffee. Once there, we noticed a couple in Starbucks with us.  

Him- kinda douchey, too much gel in his thinning hair and full of himself, probably late 30's- early 40's. 

Her- HUGE, bulbous, fake boobs, canary yellow lace top and skin tight jeans, both probably straight out of the Frederick's of Hollywood Catalog, probably in her late 40's- early 50's.  

They were glued to one  another, a little too much PDA for morning in the coffee shop. They were making a bit of a spectacle of themselves. Stacy & I were both trying to stifle our giggles at the plastic cougar/douche make out session going on in our little 'bux in the burbs. 

We got our coffee, visited a little and then I went to my car.  Douchey dude is standing behind my car looking at my bumper stickers.  

Him: "I gotta ask, are you a supporter of Obama"? 

Me: "Proudly.  I take it you're not"?  

Him: "No. I was just curious because you have this 'I support perineums' sticker too". 

Me: "That's because I help deliver babies".  

Him: "Oh bless you. You have quite a collection of stickers here". 

I knew what this guy was up to.  I was not having it. I had not even taken a sip of my coffee.  The layers of my caramel macchiato had not even been mixed up yet.  I was not going to let this right-wing-nut-job 'educate' me.  

Me: "There are a few I still have to put on.  I need to apply my 'I stand with Planned Parenthood' sticker, my 'I support Marriage Equality' sticker and my 'I'M A GUN-TOTING LIBERAL DON'T FUCK WITH ME' sticker".  

(I don't really have the last sticker) He looked a little shocked and just mumbled "Have a nice day" and got into his car.  

Based on his drawl, I could tell this dude was a tourist.  I know I am not supposed to fuck with the tourists in town.  Our town's economy depends on them.  But if you are going to stalk my vehicle and then try to start something with me about how you think the president is not a citizen, is a socialist or give me shit about my "Choice" sticker, I am going to make sure you know that I am not going to take any shit from you.  I have a sharp wit, a sharper tongue, a BIG husband, a little gun and a lot of ammo.  DON'T FUCK WITH ME, TEABILLY.  

Blog For Choice 2012

This year, the question posed for Blog for Choice Day is "What will you do to help elect pro-choice candidates in 2012?"

First:  

I'm going to vote.  

Second:  

I'm going to make sure Mr. Misha, my mom and anyone else I know who is pro-choice votes.  I'll drive them to the polls.  I'll pick up voter registration forms for them.  I'll take them to the post office to mail their absentee ballot.  I'll watch their kids while they go to the polls.  I'll get informed on all the local candidates and make sure everyone I know is aware who the pro-choice candidates are.  

Third:  I'm going to make calls, write letters and use social media to get the word out.  I'll call voters.  I'll call politicians.  I'll call/write/tweet/blog/Facebook  to make sure that Republican party's war on women is stopped and rights taken away will be reinstated.  I will continue to be a voice that shows how reproductive rights are being taken away, how access to reproductive care is being restricted and how it hurts families. 

I think those three things will keep me busy and help elect pro-choice candidates this year.  BUT if I have a little extra cash, which is unlikely, I will give a little to NARAL, Planned Parenthood, Emily's List or other pro-choice causes.  

What are you planning to do?  Do you have any good ideas to share?  Here are some links that will help you find a way to help this year: 

Access to Birth Control Protected

Thank President Obama for ensuring millions of women will have insurance coverage for contraceptives.

The War on Women Infographic

Do you think that it's wrong for politicians to interfere in women's personal, private medical decisions? Check out our infographic and share it with your friends.

Tell Boehner: Zero Anti-Choice Votes in 2012

The U.S. House of Representatives held eight anti-choice votes in 2011- the highest number in a decade! Tell Speaker Boehner to stop the War on Women in 2012.

Tell Senators: Stop the War on Women

Call on your senators to vote against the "Let Women Die" bill.

Stand Up for Planned Parenthood

Help stop the political witch hunt against Planned Parenthood and its patients.

Oppose the D.C. Abortion Ban

Tell your senators that the city of Washington, D.C. should be able to use its own locally raised money to provide abortion care to low-income women.

Protect Women from Pharmacists Who Refuse Birth Control

Help us get a national law in place that would put an end to denials and delays at the pharmacy counter and guarantee women's access to legally prescribed medications.

Help Stop Anti-Choice Fake Clinics from Misleading Women

Anti-choice organizations often use deceptive advertisements to lure women facing an unintended pregnancy to a fake clinic called a “crisis pregnancy center” (CPC), where they promote their anti-abortion, anti-contraceptive agenda.

Bleeding Heart Liberal Lyric Quandary

Back in June, I was preparing for my annual getaway with The Hoz.  Aside from packing my clothes, planning & shopping food, I wanted to load up our dead 3G iPhone with music and use it as an iTouch.  I wanted to choose songs that would be familiar to my travel mates and would encourage loud, drunken, singing.  


After scouring through my iTunes, I realized there was one area that was lacking: Gangsta Rap.  For some reason, my friends and I loved singing along to it in the 90's.  One particular favorite was NWA.  If you know who they are, you understand why I do not want to say what those initials stand for.  Back then, I had no problems singing along uncensored.  But now that I am older, I just can't do it.  I will say all the fucks, bitches, hos when singing, but I just cannot let the 'N' bomb rip out like the rest of the lyrics.  


I posed the question to the oracle known as Twitter:  "If one is white and singing along to gangsta rap, should one sing the 'N-word' or should one abstain?"  The replies came quickly, but sadly I got a hung jury.  The same amount of 'Sing it' told me to 'abstain'.  So I decided to sing a different word in its place. 


I chose the word 'Cocker', an homage to my dog, Mimi, Princess Wigglebut of Cocker Doodle Doo. Here is how I now sing the song: 

Gangsta, Gangsta by NWA 

[Verse 1: Ice Cube] 

Here's a little somethin' bout a COCKER like me
never shoulda been let out the penititary
Ice Cube would like ta say
That I'm a crazy mutha fucka from around the way
Since I was a youth, I smoked weed out
Now I'm the mutha fucka that ya read about
Takin' a life or two that's what the hell I do you don't like how I'm livin well fuck you!

This is a gang, and I'm in it
My man Dre'll fuck you up in a minute
With a right left, right left you're toothless
And then you say goddamn they ruthless!
Everwhere we go they say [damn!]
N W A's fuckin' up tha program
And then you realize we don't care
We don't just say no, we to busy sayin' yeah!
To drinkin' straight out the eight bottle
Do I look like a mutha fuckin role model?
To a kid lookin' up ta me
Life ain't nothin but bitches and money.
Cause I'm tha type o' COCKER that's built ta last

If ya fuck wit me I'll put a foot in ya ass
See I don't give a fuck 'cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin

[Chorus:]

Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
[KRS One] "It's not about a salary, it's all about reality"
Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
"Hopin you sophisticated motherfuckers hear what I have to say"

[Verse 2: Ice Cube]
When me and my posse stepped in the house
All the punk-ass COCKERZ start breakin out

Cause you know, they know whassup
So we started lookin for the bitches with the big butts
Like her, but she keep cryin
"I got a boyfriend" Bitch stop lyin
Dumb-ass hooker ain't nuttin but a dyke
Suddenly I see, some niggaz that I don't like
Walked over to em, and said, "Whassup?"
The first COCKER  that I saw, hit em in the jaw

Ren started stompin em, and so did E
By that time got rushed by security
Out the door, but we don't quit
Ren said, "Let's start some shit!"
I got a shotgun, and here's the plot
Takin' COCKERZ  out with a flurry of buckshots

Boom boom boom, yeah I was gunnin
And then you look, all you see is COCKERZ runnin
and fallin and yellin and pushin and screamin
and cussin, I stepped back, and I kept bustin
And then I realized it's time for me to go
So I stopped, jumped in the vehicle
It's like this, because of that who-ride
N.W.A. is wanted for a homicide
Cause I'm the type of  COCKER built to last
Fuck wit me, I'll put my foot in your ass
See I don't give a fuck, cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?

[Chorus:]

Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
[KRS One] "It's not about a salary, it's all about reality"
Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
"He'll tell you exactly how he feel, and don't want a fuckin thing back"

[Verse 3: Ice Cube]
Homies all standin around, just hangin
Some dope-dealin, some gang-bangin
We decide to roll and we deep
See a COCKER on Dayton's and we creep
Real slow, and before you know
I had my shotgun pointed in the window
He got scared, and hit the gas
Right then, I knew I has to smoke his ass
He kept rollin, I jumped in the bucket
We couldn't catch him, so I said fuck it
Then we headed right back to the fort
Sweatin all the bitches in the biker shorts
We didn't get no play, from the ladies
With six COCKERZ in a car are you crazy?
She was scared, and it was showin
We all said "Fuck you bitch!" and kept goin
To the hood, and we was fin to
Find somethin else to get into
Like some pussy, or in fact
A bum rush, but we call it rat pack
On a COCKER for nuttin at all
Ice Cube'll go stupid when I'm full of eight ball
I might stumble, but I won't lose
Now I'm dressed in the county blues
Cause I'm the type of COCKER that's built to last
If you Fuck wit me, I'll put my foot in your ass
I don't give a fuck, cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?

[Interlude: Ice Cube, Dr. Dre]

(Wait a minute, wait a minute, cut this shit)
{Man whatcha gonna do now?}
"What we're gonna do right here is go way back"
(How far you goin back?)
"Way back"
[Slick Rick] "As we go a lil somethin like this"

Here's a lil gangsta, short in size
A t-shirt and Levi's is his only disguise
Built like a tank yet hard to hit
Ice Cube and Eazy E cold runnin shit

[Verse 4: Eazy E, MC Ren]
Well I'm Eazy E the one they're talkin about COCKER tried to roll the dice and just crapped out
Police tried to roll, so it's time to go
I creeped away real slow and jumped in the six-fo'
Wit the "Diamond in the back, sun-roof top"
Diggin the scene with the gangsta lean
Cause I'm the E, I don't slang or bang
I just smoke motherfuckers like it ain't no thang
And all you bitches, you know I'm talkin to you
"We want to fuck you Eazy!" I want to fuck you too
Cause you see, I don't really take no shit
[So let me tell you motherfuckers who you're fuckin with]
Cause I'm the type of COCKER that's built to last
If you Fuck wit me, I'll put my foot in your ass
I don't give a fuck, cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?

[Chorus:]

Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
[KRS One] "It's not about a salary, it's all about reality"
Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
"He'll fuck up you and yours, and anything that gets in his way"

Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
[KRS One] "It's not about a salary, it's all about reality"
Gangsta, Gangsta! That's what they're yellin
"He'll just call you a low-life motherfucker, and talk about your
funky ways"

                   Sing along, if you wish!

It took a few tries to make sure the word change stuck, but it did, and that is how I sing it.  Sing it loudly, to the dog. So now, my prissy cocker spaniel thinks she is a bad ass. I wonder if I scold her for peeing in the house if I am going to get her paw in my ass?  

Matters of Heart

A friend called me last night. Her heartrate is consistently running above 180, she's passing out from low blood pressure, totally frustrated with her doctor. She has long QT syndrome and has a pacemaker/defib, taking betablockers, diuretics & ca channel blockers. She's young, in her thirties. Ugh. 


She called me for advice. It's been a long time since I was a cardiac nurse. I have no idea what to tell her. I told her to get a different doctor. All of them are on vacation, she's afraid she won't live long enough to get a second opinion. To add to this, she is doing all this passing out, trying to die stuff in front of her kids. They are freaked out. She's been taken to the hospital by ambulance twice in 10 days. They get her stable & tell her to follow up with her own doctor. She had to switch to Kaiser this year. Before that, she had been seen at UCSF, CPMC & Stanford.


I'm scared for my friend and feel helpless. I just had a little boo hoo with Mr. Misha.


But with her, I tried to make her laugh. Told her I was going to get a custom helmet for her since she insists on falling down all the time. I told her I would make sure it was sparkly and pink, maybe even put a unicorn on it for her. She laughed. It was a good sound. 


I wish I was better with matters of the heart.

Blog for International Women’s Day 2011!

International Women’s Day [IWD] is on Tuesday, March 8, 2011. As set by the United Nations, this year’s theme is “Equal access to education, training and science and technology: Pathway to decent work for women.” 



This year, they’re asking bloggers to think about any of the following questions in regards to the U.N.’s theme for IWD:


What does it mean to have equal access to education, training and science and technology for women, and how do we get there?

• Describe a particular organization or moment in history that helped to mobilize a meaningful change in equal access to education, training and science and technology for women.

But I am hopped up on allergies meds and didn't prepare ahead of time for this blog, so I am just going to post some videos (and a few links) about some wonderful organizations that help girls and women living in poverty grow up to be healthy, successful women in their communities. 

You can learn more about The Girl Effect here.


You can learn more about The International Princess Project (and get some adorable Punjammies) here.


You can learn more about Obstetrical Fistulas and The Worldwide Fistula Project here.

Twammogram, The Turd...Ahem, I Mean, The Third Times a Charm?

It's been six months, time for me to take my abnormal boobs back to the Women's Imaging Center for the third installment of "Twammogram: Live-tweeting my mammogram".  

I had to go again because my boobs are weird.  The saw the same thing on the second mammogram that they saw on the first.  Nothing new appeared, nothing grew, nothing disappeared, nothing looked cancerous.  These every 6 month check ups are basically 'cover your ass mammograms'.  My doctor's secretary is really good about caling me the minute it is time for me to do my follow up.  She makes me call her back when I have my appointment to let her know when I am going.  She is very persistant.  I made my appoinment and let her know.  Then I let Twitter know.  

When the day arrived, big news was breaking.  It looked like the President of Egypt was finally stepping down.  Great news for the citizens of Egypt, not so great as far as getting folks to pay attention to my tweets and raise awareness about annual breast cancer screenings.  But I just went with the flow and tweeted merrily along.  I have done my best to put these tweets in order.  You will notice that after the news hit that Mubarak was not stepping down, the tweets got funnier and the conversation went a little off topic.  I was laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to share it with you.  

FOR SOME REASON BLOGGER ATE THESE IMAGES.  I WILL TRY AND FIND THEM AND REPOST. 

So there you go, if your name is Tits Pervert, Tits McGee, Chesty LaRue or Busty StClair or even if it isn't- if you are over 40 (or have a family history of breast cancer) make your appointment now for your mammogram!  It's lots of fun!

Thank You Michele Bachmann (video)

Here are my tweets (and others) preceeding, and during, the Tea Party response to the State of the Union. Video of the short speech is at the end of this post. Enjoy. 

RT @Ali_Davis: OK, giving in and switching to Bachmann. Preparing for armpit noises. #SOTU

RT @gigibsohn: You know how far CNN has fallen when you wish that Michelle Bachmann would hurry up and speak.#SOTU

RT @joanwalsh: Bachmann's speech delayed while she learns about the Civil War, which side won, and that George Jefferson was NOT a founder

RT @elonjames: I'm expecting all sorts of crazy person magic from Michelle Bachmann... #SOTU

I'm pretty sure that this is going to be my favorite part of the night. Moonbat Bachmann, please don't disappoint me.#CrazyTrain #SOTU

This already has the aroma of infomercial. #CrazyTrain

RT @emokidsloveme: Oh dear, Michele Bachmann took the smokey eye and set it to raccoon. #Crazypants

CHARTS! GRAPHS! CRAZYPANTS! #ShadesofPerot

RT @KeithOlbermann: MICHELE! Hey! Yoo-hoo! CONGRESSWOMAN! We're the ones in the MIDDLE #sotu#InsaneClownResponse

RT @DustyTrice: Michele Bachmann Translation: I'm so important. Look at me. Here's a chart. Obama is Hitler. I'm using a teleprompter.

RT @txvoodoo: Oh, Michelle Bachmann - shine on, you crazy diamond.

RT @delrayser: There is clearly something shiny just to the left of the Tea Party camera. #bachmann #magpie

RT @PFTompkins: Are her eyeballs CGI? They're not quite synced up with her faceplate.

I CAN'T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING. I'M LAUGHING SO HARD THE DOGS ARE HOWLING! OMG!

RT @owillis: please have bachmann respond to every obama speech. i will donate to ensure she's on every channel.

YOU GUYS I AM LAUGHING SO HARD. I CANNOT STOP. SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE HER STOP. IT HURTS.

RT @DaveHolmes: This is like Sunday School and I'm in trouble but the kid to my left is not.

RT @emokidsloveme: She just mispronounced Iwo Jima.#Teabags #GirlStop

I think I have to rewind that to watch it again. That was so awesome. I have tears I was laughing so hard.

RT @lid86: Omg, we should always have a comedy show following the #sotu. Thank you, Michelle.

I can honestly say I didn't understand a word she said because I was laughing so hard. Just watching her sent me into fits of laughter.

RT @delrayser: No no, God bless YOU, crazy lady who just made my night.

I am writing to my congresspeople tonight to demand that Michele Bachmann respond to every speech POTUS gives from now on. #LovedIt

Michele Bachmann is a lovely gift to America.

I need a link for Michele Bachmann's speech. I want to watch it when I'm feeling sad. That shit is better than Prozac!#CrazyTrain

RT @shannynmoore: I feel like someone is sneaking up behind me after watching Bachmann. Who was she looking at and does he have a big knife?

Rep. Bachman, Thank you. I have not laughed that hard in a long time.  Your performance was awesome. Please do that every time President Obama gives a speech. 

Blog for Choice 2011

The question posed for this years Blog for Choice is: 




Given the anti-choice gains in the states and Congress, are you concerned about choice in 2011? 




My quick response is "Yes I am!  You should be too!" 









House Republicans Frantically Race to Restrict Abortion


15% of Large Abortion Providers Have Received a Bomb Threat



Decline in Abortions Appears Stalled but Protests Rise



Anti-Abortion Nut Randall Terry Met with John Boehner's Chief of Staff



Randall Terry Will Use Hate Speech to Challenge Obama in 2012



Initial Assaults on Abortion Rights in 2011



The DYI Abortion

Just one vowel.

Look at that face.  It barely has a nose.  That face makes a lot of noise.  We call those noises, snarfles.  I had never had a Pug before The Bean.  I had no idea what to expect.  I certainly didn't expect all of the licking.  The snoring.  The odd noises that come out of this sweet little dog.  She makes me smile and laugh every day.


One night, I took the pug and the cocker spaniel to Mr. Misha's band practice. The band practices by themselves during the week, but on the weekends, friends, families, kids and a dogs all gather at The Shop.  A potluck is set up, a fire is started outside in the fire pit.  The kids and dogs run through the vineyards.  The adults drink wine and visit.  The band plays.  It is quite lovely.


Because my schedule is so screwy, I don't usually make it to practice.  The dogs have never been.  But the drummer of the band made a specific request that I bring the pug, so I got us all ready and we hit the road.  I took my BFF Deb with me and as I drove up, my Mom showed up with her dog.  Two of my co-workers were there with their kids.  One of them brought her Great Dane.  It looked like it was going to be a blast.


The Cocker Spaniel got so very excited to see her Daddy on stage, that she raced across the room and bounded up on stage.  I couldn't keep her off.  She had to be put on a leash.  When we would step outside the building, I would take her off the leash and the girls would race through the vineyards, sniffing around and enjoying the wide open space.  During one of the band breaks, just before the sun went down, one of the band wives came up to me and said, "Come with us, we are going to go see the piglets."  Ok!


Two weekends before, all the 4-H kids in Napa picked out their pigs.  They care for them through the spring and summer and then take them to the Napa Town and Country Fair at the end of the summer to show them and then auction them off. The piglets are so cute at that age, still relatively small and curious.  So I grabbed my mom and trodded off to the pig pen with about a dozen kids and all the dogs.


My mom's Jack Russell and my Cocker Spaniel just wanted to run.  They took a few sniffs and then it was back to the vineyards to race around.  But the pug was in love.  A pen filled with little beasts, around her size, with flat noses and making similar sounds!  I pretty sure in her brain she was saying, "I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!"  She shoved her head completely through the opening in the fence and got snout to snout with a little black pig.  They snarfled, sniffed and snorted.  Both were wagging their curly tails.


I heard the band starting up again and turned to head back.  The Pug wouldn't budge.  She wanted to stay with the pigs.  I had to pick her up to get her out of the pig pen.  It was hysterical.  She whined (it almost sounded like a pig squeal) all the way back to the barn.  While we were talking about the Pugs reaction to the piglets, one of the kids came up and said, "Maybe it's because their names are so close?  It's just one vowel difference between a pig and a pug!"