Twammogram, The Turd...Ahem, I Mean, The Third Times a Charm?

It's been six months, time for me to take my abnormal boobs back to the Women's Imaging Center for the third installment of "Twammogram: Live-tweeting my mammogram".  

I had to go again because my boobs are weird.  The saw the same thing on the second mammogram that they saw on the first.  Nothing new appeared, nothing grew, nothing disappeared, nothing looked cancerous.  These every 6 month check ups are basically 'cover your ass mammograms'.  My doctor's secretary is really good about caling me the minute it is time for me to do my follow up.  She makes me call her back when I have my appointment to let her know when I am going.  She is very persistant.  I made my appoinment and let her know.  Then I let Twitter know.  

When the day arrived, big news was breaking.  It looked like the President of Egypt was finally stepping down.  Great news for the citizens of Egypt, not so great as far as getting folks to pay attention to my tweets and raise awareness about annual breast cancer screenings.  But I just went with the flow and tweeted merrily along.  I have done my best to put these tweets in order.  You will notice that after the news hit that Mubarak was not stepping down, the tweets got funnier and the conversation went a little off topic.  I was laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to share it with you.  

FOR SOME REASON BLOGGER ATE THESE IMAGES.  I WILL TRY AND FIND THEM AND REPOST. 

So there you go, if your name is Tits Pervert, Tits McGee, Chesty LaRue or Busty StClair or even if it isn't- if you are over 40 (or have a family history of breast cancer) make your appointment now for your mammogram!  It's lots of fun!

A Plethora of Updates (Mostly boob-related)

  Dress Quest 9/11


Thanks to everyone for the fashion advise.  I ended up purchasing the two most popular dresses.  I wore one to the rehearsal dinner and the other to the wedding.  I didn't get any real good full length photos of myself with either of my my dresses, but I am waiting to see the photos that other folks have taken and will post them if they are not too embarrassing.

Rehearsal dinner dress with the awesome ten buck kitten-heeled sandals! 

Dress for the wedding with pink kitten-heeled slides. 

Unfortunate and freakish self portrait. 

Twammogram Redux

I got the results of my follow up mammogram.  Not much different than last time.  Basically, the radiology report read like this:  

This chick's boobs are huge.  It's really hard to see everything because these boobs are gigantic.  Every once in a while I can see some teeny tiny abnormality.  These abnormalities do not look like cancer and they haven't changed since last time. But I need to cover my ass, so I am going to make this poor woman haul her incredibly large titties into the women's center every six months for the rest of her life. The End. 

So I guess I will be doing this bi-annually.  I will live-tweet, blog, video, take pics as much of it as I can. If I have to do this, I am taking you all with me. 

Knitting

I have been knitting again.  I have been knitting baby hats for friends and coworkers who have recently popped out a child.  My favorite hat has to be the 'Boobie Beanie'.  I made one for my hair stylist's little girl. I posted pics on Facebook.  

I realize that this areola is HUGE. 

                                                 

The suggestion was made that I accessorize the hat.   

I took the ring off prior to wrapping it up as a baby gift. 

                                              

Then I started to make a second one for an older infant of a coworker.  I either lost count of my stitches or screwed up the gauge, because after it was finished, I realized it was way too big.  So I stuck it on Mr. Misha! 

Areola much smaller this time.  Mr. Misha is such a good sport.

Since finishing those two, I have had many requests to make more- for both babies and adults!  I will be knitting up a storm this fall!

That is all the updates I have for now.  I have a few blog post ideas in my noggin.  I am hoping to try and post something here at least once a week till the end of the year.  Let's see how well I do at that!

                                                 

Twammogram Redux

I finally went & had my repeat mammogram.  I was supposed to get it 4 months ago, but I kept playing phone tag with the central scheduling department at the hospital.  Eventually, I got an appointment and I live tweeted the procedure again.








But to be honest, I couldn't really tweet during the actual boob shoot for a variety of reasons.


#1) I could tell with one look that the mammographer did not have a sense of fun and humor.


#2) This time, I was required to put myself in all sorts of pretzel-like positions for each shot.


#3) It hurt this time and I was too busy doing my baby birthin' breathing to tweet or take pics.




So here are a selection of Twammogram tweets from yesterday, along with some commentary.

I got a quick response that my choices of afflictions to get purple swag were: Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Lupus, Prostate Cancer, Arthritis, Alzheimer's and at one hospital- heart disease. 

Okay, so the chic doing the mammogram looked like a blond version of Sarah Palin.  It only took a few minutes of casual conversation and I could tell that her politics were similar to the half-governor's.  I kept my mouth shut out of fear.  I was afraid if she found out what a pinko-lefty-French-loving-arugula-munching-latte-sippin'-chardonnay-chuggin'-secret-muslim she had in the room, she'd tighten the vice grip on my breasts.

 

 

Despite keeping my political leanings to myself, it was still an uncomfortable procedure this time.  Last time was a breeze.  I guess for a follow up they get more shots and certain positions, because the lady was yanking on my nipples and floppin' my boobs around like they weren't attached to me.  OUCHIE!  

  

  

I loved the tweets of support and jokes from my Breast Friends on Twitter.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  I read all of them out loud as Mr. Misha and I drove home.  His comment was "I'm glad you made such good friends that you can twatter about your boobs with."  I have to say, I am glad too.  Thanks to all of you.


I should have the results in 10 to 14 days.  I'll be sure to keep you guys abreast (HA!) of the situation.

Dress Quest 911

I need help.  I am trying to find something to wear to a semi-hipster/computer nerd wedding on September 11th.  It is going to be hot as Hades.  I need to be comfortable.  I also have ginormous boobs (which I like), T-Rex arms (which I don't like) and freakishly white legs which I refuse to put in a pair of pantyhose in fucking September. 

I hate shopping.  I hate leaving my house to go to the mall.  So, I enlisted the help of my gal pals on twitter. Despite busy lives of their own, they sent me link after link, helping me find a dress.  They knew there were concerns about 'Boob Security/Safety'.  Strapless and asymmetrical looks were cast aside in favor of 'Boob Lockdown'.  They even came up with a title for this adventure, and this blog post.  

Here are the finalists for DRESS QUEST 911:

#1) This little dress would be nice because I most definitely could wear it
again. It's a bit fancy, but if I wear it without hose and with strappy
sandals, I think it would be okay.  I have a little black shrug to
cover up my T-Rex arms.

#2) Same as above as far as accessories, but I like that this has a
splash of color.  Probably a little more casual, therefore
more wearable for me.

#3) Same accessories as above.  Love this because it is
PURPLE and longer.  Worried about the straps,
they seem skimpy.

#4) Love this!  It's purple!  It has sleeves, no need for
 the shrug.  Looks super comfortable.
Here is a shot of the back. 

#5) Love this!  It's twirlable. Looks like it'd be slimming.
No need for the shrug. Worried about my bra options.   

#6) Looks a lot like #1, but it's PURPLE. I would have to
purchase a different shrug to go with this one.  But I think it
would be slimming.  It looks twirlable.  Super feminine. 

So tell me what you guys think?  Which dress do you think I should get? Should I go for the dresses with the sleeves and forgo the shrug?  Should I throw caution to the wind and get the paisley-ish maxi dress?  How much double stick tape will I need to keep my boobs in these dresses?  Please vote in the comments and help me make this decision!  

I'm all about Science. #Boobquake

So today women around the world are conducting an experiment.  They are going to see if their breasts can cause an earthquake.  You see, this doofus in Iran thinks that "Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes" so today women are posting their most immodest photos of their chesticular area to see if it will, indeed, cause the earth to quake.  


This movement was started by this women.  Her Facebook page has over 40,000 fans. I figured, since I have ginormous breastesses, I would lend them to this experiment.  If my H-cups can't cause the earth to move, I don't think anything can.  


Here is the most immodest photo I could find of my boobs.  Hysterically, it is a photo of me in my wedding dress!  HA!

Misha Comes With Standard Safety Equipment

On Mother's Day, I decided not to take my "daytime" muscle relaxer and only take Motrin.  Mr. Misha and I were going to have lunch with his mom to celebrate Mother's day. I love my mother in law, but she tends to worry a lot. I didn't want to show up to her house all doped up and give her cause to fret.  I felt pretty good after heat, ice and Motrin.

Mr. Misha and I stopped on the way to her house to pick up Chinese take out.  As we were walking through the parking lot, I think I slipped on a small rock.  I went tumbling forward and fell right in the middle of the lot.  As I lay sprawled out on the asphalt, Mr. Misha and I had a conversation that went like this:

Mr. Misha: "Baby, what happened?"

Me: "I fell down"

Mr. Misha: "Are you okay?"

Me: "No, I fell down"

Mr. Misha: "What can I do?"

Me: "Help me up?"

Just then, another man came up and he and Mr. Misha helped me up to my feet.  I did a quick assessment of myself and found no bones protruding or any blood.  Mr. Misha wanted to take me back to the car, but I said no.  We went in and got the Chinese food.  All I could think of as the lady packed up our food was that if it weren't for my boobs, I would probably have whacked my head against the asphalt.

The rest of the day was injury free.  I woke up Monday morning and re-assessed the damage. My right wrist was sore.  Both forearms were sore.  Both knees were sore.  On my left shin, I had a bruise shaped like Florida and a bump the size of a softball.  Being the dorky nurse that I am, I drew an outline around the bump in sharpie, so I could monitor if the lump was getting any bigger.  So far, so good.  I now spend my days with ice on my shoulder/neck and my left knee.

First thing my mom said to me when I told her about my tumble, "Good thing you have such big tits or you'd have a closed head injury for sure!"

My Boobs: Not So Free And Clear

I really wasn't worried when I went to get my mammogram. I didn't have a family history of breast cancer. In fact, my family has a history of living pretty unhealthy lifestyles full of things that are carcinogenic and the only cancer that has ever effected them has been skin cancer, even that hasn't killed any of them. What weakens and kills my family are heart and lung diseases.






So, I merrily tweeted my mammogram without even thinking about the results. Which is odd for me. I'm a girl who likes to plan everything. A chick who likes to make contingency plans. In work and in play, I hope for the best but plan for the worst- just in case. Apparently, I was experiencing some sort of psychic-denial-foreshadowing-protective mashup dealio in my sleep deprived, ginger brain. Because, of course, my mammogram results were ABNORMAL.
I was napping when I got the call from my doctor's assistant. I heard "densities", "looks benign" and "should get checked again in 6 months", I tweeted it and then went back to sleep. When I woke up to get ready for work, it started to sink in. My mammogram wasn't normal. While showering, I talked myself down, "It looks benign, you don't need to worry." Then I told Mr. Misha. He looked terrified. Even when I explained that they said it looked fine, he still looked scared. He didn't want to wait 6 months. That's when I started to get scared.

I figured I would just ask one of the docs at work that night to explain the results to me. I got put on call. So I called the charge nurse and asked her if a doc came in for a delivery to have them call me. Labor and delivery was a ghost town that night and no docs came in that night. So I waited until 9am the next morning to call my doctor's office. I thought I would just see if he could call me and explain the results. If that wasn't an option, I'd make an appointment to come in and discuss the results. The phone call left me angry and tearful.

"Dr. P 's office"


"Hi, this is Misha. I was asleep when you gave me my mammogram results yesterday over the phone and I have a few questions. I was wondering if Dr. P could call me and go over the results? I really just need about 5 minutes of his time."


"Uh, yeah. He doesn't do phone calls."


"Oh, well then, can I make an appointment to meet with him and discuss the results?"


"Sure. But we don't have any appointments open for two weeks."


"Could you call me if you get a cancellation?"


"No. You can call each morning to see if we have any cancellations and try and get a same day appointment."


"Could you at least mail me a copy of the radiology report?"


"No. I can make a copy and you can come by the office and pick it up."


"Alright. I'll be by this afternoon."

I understand the doctor is busy. I understand his time is valuable. I also know how I treat my patients. I would never treat my patients this way. When a patient has questions about their health, I find a way to get the answers for them in a timely manner. I'm not changing doctors. He probably doesn't even know that this happened. I will tell him what happened and how upset I was. I will let him know how rude his assistant was. I will stand up for myself.

Anywho, Tuesday night I went to work and lo and behold- there were babies to be birthed and doctors there to catch said babies! Fortunately, the doc that was there that night likes me, is Unabomber smart and willing to sit down with me for 5 minutes (Yes, Dr. P's assistant, it only took 5 minutes, so you can bite me.) and talk me through the report.

So this is what my report said:

There are multiple sub-5mm smooth low density nodular opacities present. These are probably benign, have smooth outer margins and are well demarcated. In view of the absence of previous films for comparison, suggest six-month follow up mammogram.

There is no dominant mass, skin thickening, nipple retraction or malignant appearing calcification.

CONCLUSION: Multiple probably benign small nodular densities for which six-moth follow up mammograms are recommended
ASSESSMENT: BI RADS 3
FOLLOW UP: 6 month

So, what that means I have a bunch of little lumps with a diameter smaller than one number on a credit card. Because mine are smooth and they don't have common characteristics of cancerous tumor, I was given a BI-RAD score of 3. That means that probably nothing is wrong, but there is a 2% chance of cancer.

I asked the baby catchin' doc if this was his mom's, his wife's, his daughter's, his sister's mammogram report what would he do. He said he would tell them get checked again in 6 months. Unless it was going to make them freak out for the next 6 months, then he'd refer them to our local breast surgeon for a consult. I don't need a consult with the boob slicer. Not knowing what the report meant was keeping me up. Now that it has been explained to me- I'm sleeping just fine.

Your Boobs, A Year-long Commitment.

We are only one-third of the way through October. I bet you are already sick of pink. Too bad. We only have 31 days to talk to you about your boobs and I am going to make the best of it. I have compiled some information about mammography, breast exams and lowering your breast cancer risk. Enjoy!




Breast Cancer Screening Guidelines (From the American Cancer Society)

Yearly mammograms are recommended starting at age 40 and continuing for as long as a woman is in good health.

Clinical breast exam (CBE) should be part of a periodic health exam, about every 3 years for women in their 20s and 30s and every year for women 40 and over. Women should know how their breasts normally feel and report any breast change promptly to their health care providers.

Breast self-exam (BSE) is an option for women starting in their 20s.

Women at high risk (greater than 20% lifetime risk) should get an MRI and a mammogram every year. Women at moderately increased risk (15% to 20% lifetime risk) should talk with their doctors about the benefits and limitations of adding MRI screening to their yearly mammogram. Yearly MRI screening is not recommended for women whose lifetime risk of breast cancer is less than 15%.
Breast Cancer Facts & Figures 2009-2010 (PDF)

Four Ways to decrease your risk of Breast Cancer
Be as lean as possible without being underweight. A healthy body mass index is defined as being above 18.5 but no greater than 25. Women closer to the lower end of the healthy weight range have the most protection from breast cancer.

Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. If you can't do that, at least do some. Some activity is better than none, but the more, the better.

Limit alcohol consumption. If you drink at all, limit your intake to one serving a day.
Breast-feed. New mothers should breast-feed exclusively for up to six months -- the evidence is convincing that mothers who breast-feed reduce their risk for breast cancer.


For more Breast Health information try Womenshealth.gov

Now, here is a non-pervy Self Breast Exam video- get yer learnin' on!

Yes, I Blogged My Mammogram.

The following is a mixture of tweets, photos and my some thoughts about the mammogram I had today. I will post my vlog attempt later, as I am a iMovie doofus.











11:20am Heading out. Feels weird to not wear deodorant. #twammogram
My hospital has a gym, physical therapy office and Women's Imaging Center in a separate building. It's called the Wellness Center.
Second floor- boob squshing! #twammogram
Sitting in the waiting room with my pal Stacy. She just had the squeeze! #twammogram
This is my co-worker, Stacy. She was walking out as I was walking in. She stayed in the waiting room with me to offer support.
Off with the bra!#twammogram
I was taken into a little room, asked to undress from the waist up and put on a hospital gown, opened to the front. Then I headed into the next room and saw the Boob Squisher:
Front shots done. Now for the sides.#twammogram Here is my boob in the machine:
Side view done! #twammogram
It hardly took anytime at all. In fact, it would have gone faster, but I was tweeting and snapping photos. My mammographer was awesome. She thought it was a little weird that I was taking photos and texting the whole time- but she went with it!
Colleen is the rockingest boob smusher! #twammogram
Then I went back into the little room and got dressed. When I put my bra back on, I felt something weird. I forgot to remove my nipple markers.

Almost forgot to remove my nipple markers! #twammogram
As I walked out of the changing room, I saw a big basket filled with breast cancer awareness loot and a bucket filled with pink flowers. The receptionist told me to take whatever I wanted.

They're giving out pink carnations, note pads, pink ribbon magnets, calendars, mints! You can totally rake it in! #twammogram

I grabbed a breast self exam dealio to hang in my shower, a nail file, a pink ribbon magnet for my fridge and some mints. Then I went out to my car to read some tweets and answer questions.

It was 3 views for each boob, wouldn't have taken as long if I hadn't stopped to tweet and snap pics. #twammogram

OMG! These boob smoosh mints are fricken yummy! #twammogram
On the ride home, I snapped a pic of my nipple marker!
I'm totes going to make Mr. Misha snap a pic of me with my nipple markers on! Out on my shirt, of course. #twammogram
When I got home, my mom, Mr. Misha, my neighbor, his mother, his daughter and his niece were all waiting for me. I had them snap a photo of me with my new pasties!
My post-mammogram homecoming was hysterical! Going to blog now! #twammogram
Then we put the nipple markers on Mr. Misha:
Then we stuck the markers on my mom:
We tried to stick them on one of the three dogs that were in the living room, but they were too excited and couldn't sit still.


Overall, it was pretty easy. It didn't hurt. There was a tiny bit of discomfort from stretching my boobs, but it wasn't bad at all.

Now I just have to wait for the results.....

Amy Wood, TV Newcaster and Patron Saint of Breastesses!

Here are two #Twammogram TV spots that aired in South Carolina! Thank you Amy for helping spread the word!

Are Your Boobs Uninsured?

One obstacle women face to get a mammogram is access. Some are uninsured, some can't afford their deductible or co-pay. So I have created a state-by-state directory to help women find free or low-cost mammograms in their area. Please pass this on to those you think might find this helpful.




Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
RhodeIsland
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming

In new boob news, #Twammogram now has a Facebook Page!

Now, to make you smile. If you have ever been to the Netherlands or know a Dutch person, this will make you smile. A breast cancer awareness PSA from The Netherlands: