Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Embracing the Crone

So  I went to the optometrist yesterday.  My eyes have become old.  I knew it would happen.  It happened to Mr. Misha shortly after we got married and moved in together.  

A few days after we unpacked from our honeymoon, Mr. Misha asked me if we had any lightbulbs.  I went to the closet, pulled one out and gave it to him.  "Do you have any different ones?" he asked.  "No. Why?"  I replied.  "These lightbulbs suck.  I can't see anything" he responded.  I initially got a little worried because I suspected he had diabetes, but he had not yet been to our doctor to get the official diagnosis.  I went to the store and got him a pair of reading glasses and lo and behold! - the lightbulbs didn't suck any longer.  I chuckled to myself and told him he was getting old.  Karma was going to bite me in the ass for that. 

About a year ago, I started having a bit of trouble reading.  I bought some reading glasses and all was well.  Then this past spring, I joined Weight Watchers.  I was required to read a lot of food labels.  HOLY CRAP!  Why do they make the labels so small?  I started wearing my glasses more often.  Then, at work, it started getting more difficult to read the fetal monitor strips. The reading glasses didn't help because the monitor screen was too far away.  I started getting dizzy from trying to read them via my drug store glasses.  So I made an appointment.  I started looking at eyeglass frames.  I started preparing myself that I was probably going to have to wear glasses, if not full time, at least full time when I am at work.  

The eye doctor I went to see is new.  He looks like he is about 17 years old.  The initial exam confirmed that my once perfect vision was failing.  He asked me what I wanted in the way of glasses.  So I told him, "I want to be able to read the chart I have in my hands.  I want to be able to SEE accurately  the fetal heart rate tracing on the monitor in the patient's room.  I want to be able to see if there are zombies coming down the hallway to eat my brains".   This guy didn't miss  a beat.  He smiled and said, "That is going to require trifocals.  Are you ready for trifocals?"  I told him yes and he just shook his head and said, "I have a hard time getting people your age to agree to bifocals.  It is refreshing to have someone who will agree to trifocals without argument".  My response?  

"DOCTOR, I HAVE EMBRACED THE CRONE!  Also, those people who will not wear bifocals? Those are the first ones who are going to be eaten during the Zombie Apocalypse"!