Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm all about Science. #Boobquake

So today women around the world are conducting an experiment.  They are going to see if their breasts can cause an earthquake.  You see, this doofus in Iran thinks that "Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes" so today women are posting their most immodest photos of their chesticular area to see if it will, indeed, cause the earth to quake.  

This movement was started by this women.  Her Facebook page has over 40,000 fans. I figured, since I have ginormous breastesses, I would lend them to this experiment.  If my H-cups can't cause the earth to move, I don't think anything can.  

Here is the most immodest photo I could find of my boobs.  Hysterically, it is a photo of me in my wedding dress!  HA!

Friday, April 23, 2010

I think my dogs are plotting against me.

I love my little furry babies.  They bring me so much peace and joy.  I love them like I gave birth to them myself.  Yes, I really do love my dogs as much as you love your children.  My two little girls are the light of my life.  But as I imagine most parents experience from time to time, I feel like they ganged up on me today.

I was trying to be a good mom (responsible dog guardian) so I decided to clean the pugs wrinkles.  I'm not sure if all pugs have this, but our pug gets this gunk that I refer to as 'plum sauce' in the wrinkles between her nose and her eyes.  While the production of plum sauce has slowed down since we got rid of our carpet in lieu of laminate floors, it seems like she gets more 'saucy' during allergy season.  The pug hates to have her wrinkles cleaned.  If she even suspects that I am going to go near them she will take off as fast as her little stick legs will move her barrel body.  So it is imperative that one devises a plan.

First, I close the bedroom door.  Second, I go into the bathroom and get the unscented, aloe vera baby wipes.  I take a few wipes out and I warm them in my hands so they will be more comfortable for her.  Then I quickly scoop the pug up and plop her on my lap.  I then spend the next 10 minutes wrestling with all 15 lbs of her.  She tries to wiggle away, but I keep a tight grip on her collar.  Since she seems to be just as afraid as Mr. Misha that her eyeballs are going to pop out, she usually gives up.

Whilst I am ridding my little Chinese Pug's wrinkles of plum sauce, I feel a very familiar movement behind me.  It is a movement that I am sure many dog moms are familiar with.  It is the sensation of the bed moving when your dog is about to puke.  The noise sounds like a prepubescent boy swallowing his burps and the movement is a combination of dry-heaving and air-humping.  If I hadn't had a handful of plum-sauce-encrusted baby wipes, I would have snatched the cocker spaniel up and whisked her to the toilet so she could barf like a lady.  But I was too slow and she barfed right there on my bed.

Just then, Mr. Misha walked into the room and noticed the puddle of bile-colored liquid on the bed.  "Hey!  That looks like on of Marcel's foams!"  my sweet husband exclaimed. I gave him a look that let him know I was not impressed with the Top Chef reference and he quickly got the cocker spaniel off the bed so she could continue to barf on the floor.

Now it's noon.  I worked all night at the baby birthin' factory and I am washing all the bedding so I can remake the bed and eventually go to sleep.  As I type this, the dogs, of course, are sound asleep on the bare mattress.  The little bitches, they always seem to find a way to get the bed all to themselves.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Blog for Fair Pay Day 2010

Today I am taking time out from my normal blog jackassery (well, not completely- There will be some in this blog, because of course, I am the jackass that is writing it) to write in support of The Paycheck Fairness Act.  I will return to my usual profanity-filled blog posts tomorrow.

I work with approximately 100 women and exactly 9 men.  One of those men is a nurse.  All the rest are Pediatricians and Obstetricians.  I often wonder if that one male nurse makes more than his 99 female co-workers.  Could it be? If he does, is it because he works 12% harder than his female co-workers?  No.  He doesn't.  We all work hard and we deserve to be paid equally.  Pay inequity effects women and families.  It effects each paycheck, it effects their retirement accounts and college funds. Why the fuss over a mere 12 cents per dollar? Over a lifetime, it can add up to three quarter of a million dollars! That is why The Paycheck Fairness act is so important.

What is The Paycheck Fairness Act, you ask?  Well, I just happen to have a little blurb here from the National Women's Law Center website:

"The Paycheck Fairness Act, passed in the House of Representatives in January 2009 and now pending in the Senate, aims to strengthen current laws against wage discrimination and provides tools to enable the federal government to be more proactive in the fight. Among other things, the Paycheck Fairness Act would also close a significant loophole in the Equal Pay Act to allow for full compensation for sex-based wage discrimination."

Doesn't sound to scary, does it?  Why would anyone be against paying women the same wage that men receive for the same job?  Well, the uber-conservative U.S. Chamber of Commerce does.  So does the National Association of Manufacturers. As does the Retail Industry Leaders Association. Along with the American Hotel and Lodging Association.  The Society of Human Resource Management is opposing it too.  You know who these groups represent?  They represent "The Man".  You know who "The Man" is don't you?  He is the one who is always trying to keep you down.  He is the one who signs your paycheck, makes your schedule and tries to oppress you.  We cannot let "The Man" win!  We must fight against him!

So, check out these links below.  Get yer learn on and find out how you can help.  Let's stick it to "The Man"!

Here is more info on The Paycheck Fairness Act

Facts about pay equity

Here is how you can help!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Lost in Translation

Much to the dismay of our crabby next door neighbor, Mr. Misha and I often holler stuff at each other from different rooms.

Usually it is stuff like, "Are you hungry?" or "Did you feed the dogs?"

But sometimes it is goofy stuff like "I fucking love my wife!"  or "My husband is the cutest husband in the world!"  or "Why are these dogs so goofy? Do you think we should give them back?"

On rare occasions it is something important, "You're supposed to be at your doctor's appointment RIGHT NOW!"  or "I'm gonna go get you coffee before you leave for work!" 

Yesterday, Mr. Misha yelled something from his man cave and I completely misunderstood him.

What he actually said: "On the 28th Flight of the Conchords are going to be in Berkeley!"

What I thought he said: "On the 28th the cocker needs to be in a burka!"

I have no explanation.